Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse?

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse?

Poll ended at Wed Oct 05, 2011 1:22 am

Yes, immediately
2
50%
No initially. But yes after some time
1
25%
No & still dare not
1
25%
 
Total votes : 4

Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse?

Postby BeContented » Mon Sep 05, 2011 1:22 am

Just wondering if you or someone you knew dare to sleep alone with lights off after the death of one's spouse?

If yes, was it immediately? If not immediately, how long did it take before the person overcome it?
FIL passed away recently and ever since his death, MIL has not dared to be in the room without lights on. And she would leave the room lights on throughout the night when she sleeps. It's been a month and it's still on-going.

Feeling curious what could be the reason and typically how long would such behaviour last. Do share if you do know of any such cases.

BeContented
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Re: Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse

Postby Mdm Koh » Mon Sep 05, 2011 12:41 pm

I think there's a belief that the spirit of the deceased spouse will return to the room at night. Your MIL may be afraid that your late FIL would bring her along with him. Is it possible to change a room for her?

Mdm Koh
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Re: Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse

Postby Mawar » Mon Sep 05, 2011 12:59 pm

There are a few possible reasons for her behaviour.

Some may be 'scared' even though it was the passing of a close one. Our culture celebrates birth but shrouds death. The fear of the unknown, of not knowing what would return for a visit. Your MIL might be feeling very low and vulnerable with her loss. So she leaves the lights on to make sure there are no surprises.

Some are uncomfortable with the nothingness ie darkness or silence. They are not ready to be 'alone' and would rather be surrounded with activity to block out the loneliness. In due time, they will accept the new reality.

Some are superstitious. If the death occured at home, the place is 'yin'. Burning offerings and leaving lights on helps to tilt the balance.

Whatever the reason, it really helps to touch up or rearrange the stuff in her bedroom. But choose an appropriate time and with her permission, of course. Many things bring back memories and adds to her grief. Change the bed, curtains . . .

Mawar
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Re: Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse

Postby BeContented » Mon Sep 05, 2011 8:59 pm

Insider,
after reading your post, I wonder how would I have reacted if I do encounter all these since there are many hours of the day when I am alone.........your DD is really brave.

BeContented
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Re: Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse

Postby BeContented » Mon Sep 05, 2011 9:03 pm

Mawar wrote:There are a few possible reasons for her behaviour.

Some may be 'scared' even though it was the passing of a close one. Our culture celebrates birth but shrouds death. The fear of the unknown, of not knowing what would return for a visit. Your MIL might be feeling very low and vulnerable with her loss. So she leaves the lights on to make sure there are no surprises.

Some are uncomfortable with the nothingness ie darkness or silence. They are not ready to be 'alone' and would rather be surrounded with activity to block out the loneliness. In due time, they will accept the new reality.

Some are superstitious. If the death occured at home, the place is 'yin'. Burning offerings and leaving lights on helps to tilt the balance.

Whatever the reason, it really helps to touch up or rearrange the stuff in her bedroom. But choose an appropriate time and with her permission, of course. Many things bring back memories and adds to her grief. Change the bed, curtains . . .


Actually FIL passed away rather peacefully in the hospital.....frankly, if he had died in my house, I may also freak out cos' the last few days before he was hospitalized, he was not looking good and was groaning non-stop, it was kinda stressful.

Guess gotta give MIL more time......and I'll trying painting a new coat in their room. Hopefully can help.

BeContented
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Re: Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse

Postby BeContented » Mon Sep 05, 2011 9:35 pm

insider wrote:
cwc wrote:Insider,
after reading your post, I wonder how would I have reacted if I do encounter all these since there are many hours of the day when I am alone.........your DD is really brave.


How old was he when he passed on? My father-in-law lived to quite a ripe old age of 93 years old.

Both my parents-in-laws ALWAYS bickered EVERYDAY but they took care of each other in their very LOUD voices (coz both are hard in hearing). One may find them 'irritating' if he/she cannot understands that's the way they showed affection in each other at those old ages.

My mother-in-law keeps her room as it is. My mum changed her bed after my dad passed on.

There was this 'theory' that I just derived after seeing both my dad and my father-in-law passed away:

If a man loses his wife at old age, this man is likely to follow his wife's footsteps soon.

If a woman loses her husband at old age, then she is likely to live sort of 'much longer' as compared to having her husband is still around...

hahaha...may not be true but I see both my mum and my mother-in-law like more 'king-sung' (relax) now as compared to when their husbands were still around... (my sense and personal interpretation only...)


My FIL was only 75. He was still mobile and quite OK until he suddenly became unwell and was diagnosed with terminal cancer.....deteriorated very fast and died within 2+ months.

Basically MIL would nag & nag, yell & scream at FIL while FIL would generally ignored. He was the mild tempered one....but when he couldn't stand her, he would yell back. At times, there are some physical struggles :scared:
I was very unhappy & stressed over them.
FIL was quite challenging (dirty, impatient, inconsiderate etc) and indeed MIL is now very relaxed after his departure (honestly, I also feel more relaxed now).
Whatever it is, episode ended.......

BeContented
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Re: Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse

Postby BeContented » Mon Sep 05, 2011 10:17 pm

insider wrote:
cwc wrote:Whatever it is, episode ended.......


Do you have to observe the 守孝 thingy?

When my dad passed on, my mum instructed all daughters and children of daughters didn't need to 守孝 as all not having same surname and if wanted to 守孝, maybe inconvenience for in-law families.

We need to 守孝 for 12 months. Nothing too restrictive other than no celebrations of festivals/occasions and no wearing of red / pink / yellow. (first thing my daughter did when she came home after the funeral was to change her duvet cover from pink to beige).

My mum encouraged all of us to 守孝 for my father-in-law. According to her, 守孝 is good for the one performing it as it reminds and strengthens the sense of filial and piety (and this of course will add on to one's positive karma). My kids agreed to observe the 12 months period...


:oops: I am quite bo-chap and ignorant of all these stuff. My mom also not very versed in it and hence, when my grandfather died, dun think we 守孝 ... frankly, I dun quite know what does it comprise of :sweat:

When FIL passed away, initially we were told not to wear red/pink/yellow etc. But never say for how long....while still try not to be loud in the color, some clothes do have a little of those colours here and there. I know my nephew could not celebrate his birthday as was within 49/100 days....other than that, no explicit 'orders'.

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Re: Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse

Postby Chenonceau » Tue Sep 06, 2011 3:46 pm

If being alone and in the dark can bring me back a loved one, I think I will never leave a darkened room even in daylight.

Chenonceau
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Re: Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse

Postby pinky » Tue Sep 06, 2011 4:45 pm

maybe she feels insecure, having to sleep alone suddenly after all these years with her husband. The loss must be very painful and it is possible for her so slip into depression.
My husband's friend's father died of cancer and his mother was so distraught she slipped into depression and refused to talk to anyone or seek treatment. She hanged herself one day at home when she was alone, about less than a year after her husband died. Very sad case.

pinky
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Re: Dare to sleep alone/lights off after the death of spouse

Postby LOLMum » Tue Sep 06, 2011 8:15 pm

we always thought mum would be the first to go but my dad who was in better health, slipped and hit his head and died just a few hours later. we broke the news to her at her sick bed a few days later and she just slipped away from us almost immediately. no longer hanging on to whatever it was that has been keeping her alive for the past few years. :sad: :sad: :sad:

we kept the lights on in the house but my sisters and sil said they felt their presence and dreamt of them.

i firmly believe that should they return, it is to say their final goodbye.

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