KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

Here's my story....One Sunday morning, the house was dirty, asking him to help out with moping before breakfast. Not happy to do housework, otw for breakfast, husband picks up a fight saying I'm avoiding his parents for breakfast (which is not true as just last week I bring the kids to his parents while he was working), tried to keep cool and not to qurrel with him, instead, he keep on his nagging n scolding even husher while in the car.

Fed up, I told him I'm not going and left without home keys. I went to cool down and when I return, no one was at hm, called him he said he will be back in a while. I waited nearby for 3 hours, no calls. I told him dun bother anymore and decided to stay away for a day. he only made one call which i rejected. He then call my parents and made everyone worried except him. The rest of the missed calls were by my family members and not a single one from him. Later on I send a sms to my mum to inf I was fine.

Since then we are sleeping separately. Chirstmas eve, he inf at night he need to work. Who would work on chirstmas eve? While we were having fun with the kids, he spolied the fun by leaving for "work". Later I found out he did not went to work, but went to his parents place to celebrate chirstmas!!and him being 'the middle child, trying his best to please his parents any chance he could while we became the outsider.

Next, his elder sister, not married and always expect his attention. she already tried to break us up once when we were still bf & gf. She is staying with us(super wrong move) and whenever we qurrel, instead of talking to his brother, she will try to "help" him showing that without me, she can help out with the kids. staying so comfortably, she now refuse to leave, as we have inform that she can stay till my son enters primary one which is 1 week time.

I'm too sick of this man. He didn't treat me as his family anymore. My kids are still young, I really do not know what to do? He always speaks to them very hush and impatient (son is following his suits). I can't leave without the kids. I've already ask for separation and he did not reject. He only ask if we can be together for the seek of our kids. Last time, I will be soft hearted and move on, but this time, I really want to get out of this relationship with him. And since I ask to go separate ways, he expect me to solve the issue on settling the kids and blaming me for not providing a complete home for the kids!
Disappointed and sad.

Sorry to read about your pain, shby. Is it possible to have a heart-to-heart talk with him; or go for counselling to help mediate things? Hopefully, some good and peace will come out of it. Don't give up on your marriage yet.

All the best

Hi shy, sad to hear that u are in such situation. How are u feeling now? Are u still going to go ahead with yr decision? Do u have a mean to support yourself? Sometimes it can be very frustrating when someone don't understand yr feeling but u just have to be calm and think carefully before u blast out or act out. Hope that u are feeling better now.

Hi shby, your situation sounds so similar to my parents.
When I was young, my mother faced such situations many times and as a kid I was terrified each time my parents quarrelled over such things, which I could not understand as it was to me, so trivial.

My husband's parents also had the same problem.
Hence for myself and my husband, we have done away with tradition.
That is each one will not pressurise the other to attend anything to do with the other side, and any attendance for gatherings will be purely voluntary on each of our part.
That's why we did not even celebrate our wedding so as not to stress ourselves.

Back to your case....... please discuss with your husband and come to a compromise. Please do not give up on your marriage. You have the right to ask him to choose who is more important to him and why is it so important to please his parents. As for his sister, it is definitely a big problem.
Is there any way you could ask her to move out?

All the best.

I would honestly think, besides yourself, your DH, your DS and your DD, the rest are outsiders to your family.

Definition of outsiders are the home should only have yourself, your DH, your DS and your DD, the rest should not be staying there, else for sure invite trouble.

But honestly, this type of trouble is very common, it is how you manage it. Not staying together non-core family members (both side 4 x parents, both side siblings, both side relatives) sometime already very troulesome, so staying together with non-core family members is a sure trouble (double confirmed).

hi, i have the almost similar situation few years back. He quarrelled with me over nitty-gritty issue. He will not apologise to me even if he is in wrong. Everybody is wrong except him. He will not bother to call or sms me even i left the house after a fight middle of the night. He would show infront of the salesman that he is angry with me if i choose something that he think is urgly. He will scold me in frount of our maid and kids. He shouted and screamed at our kids. He would beat them up if they mis behave. I almost divorced or separated with him if not because of the children. I bear with it for almost 16 years untill 1 day, i told myself i cannot take it anymore and did a divination at the Guang Yin Temple as i have nobody to share with. I do not share with my family as i do not want them to worry. I was told to bear with it and accept him as it is. After that day, i told myself to take things as it is but miraculously, he changed to be a better husband since last year. He showed more concern towards the kids and I, less hot tempered and do not fight with me so often. Not too sure is this due to his religion that he is more involve now. My advise to you is, speak to him, tell him what is in your mind and what you think both of you should do to keep the family together. Separation should always be the last resort. As long as he still care for the family, you should give him and your kids anothe chance.

Dear Shy,
I am quite sure all married couples have some disagreements at some point, and issues with in laws are amongst the common one. Don't be discouraged, have a chat with him and agree on the frequency to visit each other's family. Everyone has same amount of time at hand so forcing one to visit another family more is not exactly the fairest request. Believe that what you work out between the 2 of you can work, and it is for the better. Find out what is he unhappy with. Help him understand you & kids would appreciate happy family time with him as well (i.e you, your husband, kids).

At your end, be strong and refrain from saying negative things about your husband in front of your kids. They will observe & grow to understand the situation themselves. If it is not directly from you, they will respect you as a person.

Your hb seems to be bottling up his feelings n bursting at the wrong time and way. There is definitely a communication problem between both of you.

It takes luv, time, patience to mend the bridge and to re-kindle the lovely-dovey feel again. Ask yourself, do you still luv him? if so, change your mindset before u can influence him to mellow too.

Since his sis is staying with you, why not just leave the kids at her care while both of u go for a date, movie, nice dinner and take this opportunity to communicate? Even with kids, it will be nice for couples to go for a date at least once a fortnight.

At times when he raise his tone unconsiciously, calm him down by touching/stroking his arms saying "dear, the kids are around, can we just talk about it in a subtle manner"?...talk things out in a mature n calm manner, understand both point of view..listen before voicing out your opinions. Sometimes when we are in a heat of anger, we say things that we do not mean it n hurt each other.

Lastly, don't walk away without talking things though... all issues can be solve thru communication n by saying at times doesn't mean tt we lose .. it's tt we treasure the r/s than our face..

Take a step back n things are not as serious as what u've tot.. im sure both of u still luv each other. Don't give up trying n all best for 2012

At least you have someone by your side. im alone with my 10 year old

JuniceSoh wrote:At least you have someone by your side. im alone with my 10 year old

Yah... Are u coping well?