help....wife is earning much more than me

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby Joule » Wed Jan 25, 2012 11:53 am

hello all;

I got a problem that I am struggling with

my wife is a very thrifty woman and is in a good civil service job with decent pay...

we have own personal bank accts and a joint account. we contribute a fixed $$ to the joint acct every month and we have own personal bank $$. It's how it has always been.

for me, my career has been struggling along.... I am in my 30s and still drawing lower pay (<3k) ... I dont even have much savings compared to her.

it is not a point of contention between us yet, but when my wife talks excitedly about getting 3-4 months bonus in the 10s of thousands and I only scrape by with 1 month bonus, I smile and keep quiet. But later on in the middle of the night I really am very upset. not because she is good but I feel damn lousy about myself

sometimes I really feel very upset about this.... but I don't really tell her about these things. She will feel upset about it....its no point having 2 people be upset about something they can't help, might as well have only 1 person be upset about this, and that is me...

She talks about moving into condo, etc and going faraway places for holiday....how to move into condo??? I don't even have money to pay~!

I do my part for the family and pay for the utility bills and car maintenance and any other things. I give her a set amount for household stuff

but I don't know...one fine day when we quarrel, she might say something really hurtful...

I know its the 21st century already but still part of my dreams when I was young was to take care of my woman and that involves earning money

when I am in my 30s it seems like most of my dreams are crushed

Joule
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Re: help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby 365psych » Wed Jan 25, 2012 2:36 pm

Just love your wife, and all your (money) problems will go away. Love her for what she truly is, not because she earn more than you. If you earn more than her, will it give her reason to be paiseh? Does she mock you? No right? Just love her, maybe it is fated that she take care of you, and for that, you should love her.

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Re: help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby Busymom » Wed Jan 25, 2012 4:07 pm

Joule wrote:hello all;

I got a problem that I am struggling with

my wife is a very thrifty woman and is in a good civil service job with decent pay...

we have own personal bank accts and a joint account. we contribute a fixed $$ to the joint acct every month and we have own personal bank $$. It's how it has always been.

for me, my career has been struggling along.... I am in my 30s and still drawing lower pay (<3k) ... I dont even have much savings compared to her.

it is not a point of contention between us yet, but when my wife talks excitedly about getting 3-4 months bonus in the 10s of thousands and I only scrape by with 1 month bonus, I smile and keep quiet. But later on in the middle of the night I really am very upset. not because she is good but I feel damn lousy about myself

sometimes I really feel very upset about this.... but I don't really tell her about these things. She will feel upset about it....its no point having 2 people be upset about something they can't help, might as well have only 1 person be upset about this, and that is me...

She talks about moving into condo, etc and going faraway places for holiday....how to move into condo??? I don't even have money to pay~!

I do my part for the family and pay for the utility bills and car maintenance and any other things. I give her a set amount for household stuff

but I don't know...one fine day when we quarrel, she might say something really hurtful...

I know its the 21st century already but still part of my dreams when I was young was to take care of my woman and that involves earning money

when I am in my 30s it seems like most of my dreams are crushed


Firstly, do you think your wife minds that you earn less than her?

Secondly, when she talks about going for holidays and buying a condo, is it within the means of your combined income with her to service the loan? As for down payment, perhaps she has sufficient savings to pay for it?

If the answers are no to (1) and yes to (2), then there is nothing wrong for her to want to go for a holiday to some faraway places with you or upgrade to a condo. Afterall, if she has a decent income, she does deserve to enjoy the fruit of her labour. To have a holiday in places that she hasn't been to with a loved one is definitely one of the ways.

IMO, it may not be ideal from your perspective that she earns more than you, but you shouldn't mind it so much if she doesn't. If I were her, I would prefer that my husband share his unhappiness about his job and pay with me, rather than keeping it to himself. Open communication is important to a healthy relationship.

And I agree that as long as you love her and provide emotional support to her, that could be more important to her than the fact that you earn less than her.

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Re: help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby Funz » Wed Jan 25, 2012 4:38 pm

Is your wife even complaining at all that you are earning lesser then she is?

If not, sorry to say it, but get over it already. I know I may sound harsh but I was in your wife's shoes before. DH was earning lesser then I was and he too did not feel good. At first, like you, he tried to handle it himself but over time, his resentment started showing but he still refused to talk to me about it. I was left guessing but after some time, I kinda figured it out. But by then, instead of understanding or empathising, I was furious. It caused a lot of problems in our relationship.

Talk to your wife about how you feel, get a firm understanding about how she views your family finances and tell her how you feel about it as well. You may think that by just keeping quiet and not telling her means only 1 person being upset, think again. When you live in such close proximity with each other, you're bound to pick up vibes of each other's unhappiness. And like it or not, you won't be able to bottle it up forever and when you finally cannot take it anymore do you think it is fair to her?

And I agree with busymom if both your income combined allows you to go for longer holidays to faraway places or even afford a condo, don't begrudge yourselves these luxuries just because your pride or ego is in the way.

Everyone have their dreams or ideals about what their life will be like. More often then not, reality is far from their ideals. So adjust your expectations but don't lose sight of what is important.

If your wife does not have any issues with who earns more or less, I think she will be so hurt to know that you think she will use this against you.

Again, apologise if I sound harsh. Think I am projecting my own frustrations from eons ago.

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Re: help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby UncleLim » Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:15 pm

Hello Mister,

If this is any help: THERE ARE MANY MEN OUT THERE LIKE YOU !!!!!!

My wife also makes much more than me. Same for a few of my friends. Some of our friends' wives makes millions as high flying lawyers and business women.

That is not to trivialise how you are feeling right now. Many of us go through that stage because we feel we are denied the final word on many things because the missus rank higher in terms of contribution to the household income.

I hope your relationship with your wife is strong and does not end in unhappiness over money.

UncleLim
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Re: help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby jedamum » Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:23 pm

do you have the means to upgrade so that you can have a better paying job in the long run? if yes, do go for it. or do you have other forms of contribution that'll you can build your self esteem on? my husband took care of our kid during the recession time when job opportunities were scarce. it was a very touchy situation at home as male ego was at an all time low when i was working, he was not and i had to attend seminars and whatnot while he wallowed in self pity at home...at times. but that had passed and he had tried to keep an open mind, helping out around the house, caring for the kid etc which i appreciated alot. IMO, at the end of the day, it is not how much the man earns that'll give the wife a sense of security or earn her respect, but rather whether the man makes an effort to try to improve his situation that he had recognised that it could have been better.
good luck!

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Re: help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby Jade » Wed Jan 25, 2012 7:15 pm

jedamum wrote:do you have the means to upgrade so that you can have a better paying job in the long run? if yes, do go for it. or do you have other forms of contribution that'll you can build your self esteem on? my husband took care of our kid during the recession time when job opportunities were scarce. it was a very touchy situation at home as male ego was at an all time low when i was working, he was not and i had to attend seminars and whatnot while he wallowed in self pity at home...at times. but that had passed and he had tried to keep an open mind, helping out around the house, caring for the kid etc which i appreciated alot. IMO, at the end of the day, it is not how much the man earns that'll give the wife a sense of security or earn her respect, but rather whether the man makes an effort to try to improve his situation that he had recognised that it could have been better.
good luck!

:goodpost: :hugs: agree w jedamum...IMHO, it is whether u put n effort to upgrade urself in order to improve ur situation that will earn u respect n not so much if u earn more than ur wife. A person who just sits around n wallow in self pity will be looked down. I m sure even if u aren't able to earn more than her in the near future, by loving her n lessening her burden at home, she will appreciate it very much n in the process this will strengthen ur bond. All the best

Jade
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Re: help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby Joule » Wed Jan 25, 2012 8:03 pm

Thank you all for the advise..... I will work on it....

things are ok almost all of the time. We lead a simple lifestyle. It is just that when she talks about things like 'bonus' and how much is her salary, I would go :sweat: :sweat:

she is a higher-flying govt scholar (because she really flies and has guaranteed career progression) but generally our relationship is good.

I do housework and ferry her in our car most of the time, I try to help out around the house, I do think I treat her well...... but for now I am in a dead end job and not able to find a better paying one for the time being so I hope some men know how I feel ...despite the 'correct answer' which is to take it in stride

It's like a monster than plagues me from time to time...ARRRGH

PS I am not able to study for the time being because our first kid is still very young

Joule
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Re: help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby verykiasu2010 » Wed Jan 25, 2012 8:33 pm

i do have a number of friends where the wife earns much more than the husband, in both gov't and private sectors

no problem. love conquers all

don't be too small minded - both on the husband and the wife

they have talked about it before marriage, and enter into marriage with both eyes wide open, and learnt to get used to being teased as a "kept men" ..... no problem, like LKY
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Re: help....wife is earning much more than me

Postby schweppes » Wed Jan 25, 2012 11:23 pm

Joule wrote:I am not able to study for the time being because our first kid is still very young


If you really want to upgrade yourself and if you really put your mind to it, it can be done.

The thing about Singapore is that most employers look out for that piece of paper. Maybe that's why our education system is such a rat race :sweat: :roll:
So, it's important to upgrade ourselves wherever possible to make ourselves more competitive, careerwise.

I've come across working adults going back to school - be it studying for their first degree or going for higher education. Whilst most of these matured students are singles, there are others who have young families too. So, it is a struggle for them. And yet, they persevere to complete their degrees.

Of course, what's important is that you must have the support of your wife and thereafter, support from other family members (can rope in grandparents to help out if possible).

There are different types of programs out there, you just need to search for the one that you want to embark in or best fit your needs. Things like sch fees, course scheduling/time table, duration of the course, etc.

Whilst it will be tough on everyone during the period of your study, see it as just a temporary hardship. Just ride through it and before you know it, you will be graduating soon.

See it as an investment to give yourself and more importantly, your family a better future.

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