KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

Dear everyone,

I had previously posted this in another forum in oct 2011, but did not get a solution to my issue. Hope to get some kind advice from this forum since there are more mummies and daddies here.

I have been married for more than 5 years and have 2 young kids. Hubby likes to drink and only come home at 2-3am in the morning. This happens at least once a week and has been recurring for the last 2 years. Initially, i got very upset and would alway quarrel with him over his behaviour. I simply could not understand why he needed to drink so often (at least twice a week) and staying out till wee hours (at least once a week). I often feared he would get into a car accident (yes, he would still drive home after the drinks) or worse still, knock someone. i worry about his health from the constant drinking.

His rationale was for networking, destressing, etc etc.

I tolerated and decided not to quarrel with him anymore as we just could not see each other's point. In oct, he came back at 3.30am. I began to wonder if he was having an affair outside. i emailed him as i knew we would end up quarreling if i asked him straight in the face. He didnt reply me.

Hubby cares about the kids but does not particularly like to play with them I feel. Eg when he comes home early (say once or twice a week), he would be stuck in his pc or watching tv. He doesn't read to the kids, claiming i am better at languages. Neither does he play much with them, as my girls are into girly stuff like barbie dolls and play pretend stuff.

On one hand, i know hubby is a good man and after knowing him so many years, i certainly hope he is still faithful to our marriage. On the other hand, i really cannot comprehend why he has to stay out so late so often. Does this happen to you or your husband? Am i being paronoid and overly sensitive?

in early 2012, hubby again drank till wee hours and got into a car accident. the car was in a bad shape but luckily no one was hurt. We didnt have a car for couple of months so in that 2-3 months, while hubby still drank (a bit lesser i think) he would take cab home. i thought and hoped he learnt his lesson after this incident. We recently got the car back and last night, he came home at 430am! i quarreled with him when he came home and he said he paid for someone to drive him back.

Some kind forumers had asked me to have a good talk with him. but what else to say? i have already told him i dont like him to drink and drive and come home so late, but he is still doing it. his reason is always the same - need to network, de-stress, male bonding etc etc. does it mean if both of us cannot see eye-to-eye in this matter, it's either i live with it for the rest of my life, or i leave him?? i feel very depressed, knowing that my dad, male colleagues or bosses are not like that. how did i end up with a hubby who comes home at 4-5am?? sure, if even if you want to drink to destress or network, if you start at drinking after 7pm, should finish by midnight? Do the pubs really open on weekday nights till 4-5am?

I am totally helpless now on next steps. Appreciate some kind advice. Thank you.

I am so sorry to hear about your current situation.

Have you tried heart-to-heart talk with him on what is stressing him? Try your very best to talk in a very calm manner. Try not to explode otherwise the talk will end rather abruptly. The purpose of the talk is to find out what exactly stressing him. Try not start with a conversation about how you feel.

If the talk goes very smoothly about what is stressing him, then display your fear about how afraid you are when he goes out drinking. Afraid for his health and safety. Afraid for children as well.

Applecrisp, is your husband like that when you guys were still dating? OR maybe he was already like that but you didn't know because you were just dating and you guys are not living together yet.

Is he running his own business? Usually men likes to drink with his client when he is self-employed to get more business. Try to find out who he drinks with. If these friends are really true friends, they will not want to see him get into trouble by drink driving or having problem with the family. Personally I can accept my husband goes drinking once in a while. they do need "me" time too.

I think apple crisp doesn't mind her husband destressing, but she suspects he is having affair.

I'm sorry to hear your situation. But I must say you are not alone. I would like to share my similar encounter with you. My hubby also drink till wee hours regularly up to at least 3 times a week. On many occasions, he would not even return home whole night till next day afternoon. Tried talking to him - so call wish to have heart to heart talk - failed. Not even able to start the communication, he would blame other. He expect wife to understand, trust fully yet never even think how his no return hurt other. When try to communicate, he would throw temperand end conversation immediately. Next it sort of de facto that he is entitled to be angry accusing other for not understanding or even wondering what he could be doing day and night! Unbelievable he could start day by leaving home early in morning, not ableto lunch or dinner and start drinking till next day early morning! And it is expected of wife to understand without any possible of communication. V painfully yet becos of love (maybe everyone think I'm silly) tolerate and crying in dark hoping he would communicate truth (be it affair) etc. sorry for this long sharing. I hope you wld be able to talk sense with your husband soon.
My hubby will never talk about it and expecting me to take it. By his indifference attitude although he knows I'm hurt. He is selfish? He told me many reasons for drinking and no return - sleep in car, driver fully booked, friend bring him to hotel when he is drunk etc. at times, he was back allege drinking but look sober, if u ask about where or what he is doing, he would be unhappy and accuse other of doubting or testing him!!!
Till such stage, how many wife would still love such husband? Any sensible person would accept his allegation that such marriage is normal and not doubt about him? He is self employed- timing flexible n biz on track. Why kick up big fuzz when calling him? Such oppression is tormenting! So u are not alone. Wish your marriage well soon unlike mine (seem impossible - a one way traffic trapped). Truly embarrassing (I don't know my determination for loving my family would die soon or not cos I'm v exhausted mentallly).

The most important thing to remember is don't drink when you drive and don't drive when you drink. When your hubby knows that he is going for drinking session, he should not drive as he will put himself and other people at risk. Do let him know that even if he didn't get into any accident, he will have to go jail if he is tested to have alcohol in his breath during road blocks.

Ok, back to your question. Well, I think letting hubby go out with his friends for some 'me' time is reasonable - we wives do that too. However, he can start his 'night' earlier ie. once off work so he can start with dinner with his friends at 7pm then end the night at around 10pm.

I would try to get to know what type of friends he goes out with. Maybe can join him for some of the nights out if there is someone who can take care of the kids for you. But of course, if it is all guys out, they would say no one bring spouse etc. maybe you can invite the friends and their spouses to your house for dinner etc.

Ok, this paragraph is Only my own personal opinion and everyone will have different opinion. In terms of frequency, I think 2/3 times per week is too frequent. Think a few times a year may be acceptable for his gathering with his friends. Firstly, drinking is not good for health(maybe they can go for coffee, dinner or some sports activities). Secondly, he should spend more time with the family especially if he has kids.

As to how to get hubby to spend time with kids, how is your hubby's relationship with the kids? Sometimes the daddy will get demoralised if the kids don't like him or prefer mummy to daddy. In that case, have to take baby steps. Must let the kids know that daddy loves them. Then think of ways they can play together and create opportunity to let them play and have fun together. Their relationship will get stronger if they play together more often. When you come to a stage when the kids prefer daddy to mummy, then the daddy will also like to spend lots of time with the kids (but maybe the mummy will be demoralised - this is not for the faint hearted). After the play part, can slowly let hubby take over some of the care part too cause I believe that even if hubby need not be involved in the caring part, they should not be helpless when they are alone with the kids. They must know how to take care of their kids even if they do not need to take care of them.

Thank you everyone for reading my long post and offering your kind words. I truly appreciate it as I know weekends are precious.

I tried talking to hubby on sat at breakfast, but sadly when I asked him why he stayed out so late, his first reaponse was "what's wrong?". I asked who he was with (brokers it seems) and he said he stayed out late cos the next day was a holiday. Hence he was out merry making, living the life of a swinging bachelor. When he asked me "what's wrong?", I was so disappointed. I left the breakfast with tears in my eyes.

Am I asking for too much? I'm pretty sure he has more than enough "me" time. Just a few weeks ago, he told me he was heading to hk to watch rugby 7 and off he went. He takes leave occasionally to play golf. With his week nights drinking, I think he has no lack of social life. For me, I hardly even go for a facial, haircut or meet up with friends. I really cannot understand why he needs to stay out till so late. He claimed that sometimes its hard to leave at a time, but no one is pointing a knife at you to stay on surely?

Hubby has always been drinking in his younger days, but I didn't rem he would stay out till 4-5am. Now that he's married and has a family, I'd have thought he would be matured enough to minimize these late nights, not to mention endangering his and other people's life with his irresponsible behavior. I don't think he's straying at this point, but I really can't tell what goes on with the late nights. I'm at a cold war with him now ... Quite lost with what to do next.

Reading your post, can't help feeling for you...and it reminds me of my pathetic marriage before my spouse passed away....

My late spouse has similiar behaviour... always putting his so call "social networking first..."
Yes, he will leave me with the kids during weekend and public holidays to play his golf...
Late spouse did not drink...cause of health problem....
But he will spend lots of on himself to dress up like a 25....

Never even bother to give me household allowances , his thinking concept ...since I am working ...no need to give allowance....
So you can imagine how his relationship with the kids....

Yes, I was very miserable when I realised what sort of man I have married...
But when I look at my kids ...I know I must endure for the sake of my kids...

I told myself each day I have only 24 hours, I cannot waste time ...harbouring why I married the wrong guy....
There are better things to do...

Being angry and miserable will affect not only you but your kids....
My parents is forever quarrelling ....which has affected me badly...

So I told myself , no I will not quarrel with late spouse

So let it be.....he liked to spend his weekend outside....let it be...
When he is old ....he will regret it....

Late spouse was diagnosed with cancer last year....passed away shortly...
During treatment he asked for forgiveness....till today I am still trying to forgive him...although he is dead....

To forget and Forgive and let go ...is not easy....
But do not let our emotion affect others...
The earth will continue to revolve even when we are sad....


Be strong ...your kids need you....

If you think he hasn't been faithfull, you may want to get something similar to this http://list.gmarket.com.sg/item/LAST-CH ... lerview=on Use sound-activated mode, place under passenger seat and see what you capture. Run time is only 2 hours but it's better than nothing. There are better ones but they're more expensive.

I have a friend whose husband is like yours, go out drinking and karaoke till late at night and sometimes stay out. My friend also found out that he has been involved with Chinese and Vietnamese women. They have two girls who are teenagers now. My friend is contemplating divorce after 20 yrs of marriage. He was like that before marriage and didn't seem to change after marriage. He even blamed the wife for not being a good wife.