KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

My daughter started dating when she was in secondary two. When I say dating, I mean she went out on single dates. In sec 3, she began to go out with this boy in JC 1 and they were together for over two years. They were in the same school and she was in the IP.

We all have different approaches to our children dating. I have a friend who went all the way out to stop it. Her daughter stayed out for a while to spite her mother. They had terrible fights over it.

I was afraid of having to deal with a rebellion and so I was careful not dismiss her interest in the opposite gender or try to smother it or pooh pooh it as something silly or trivial. I had to keep cool and stop behaving like one prying, intrusive mother although I had a right to know, she may resent my questions. So I decided to try a soft approach. I told her first love is the most memorable - I refuse to call it puppy love. I remember my own first love with great fondness. I started sharing with her about my time and I was rewarded by her confiding in me and eventually the boy came to my house for meals. They broke up soon after they boy finished his JC.

But it was really hair-raising during the whole time they were together. I was very concerned for my daughter but I had to be careful how I showed it. I took great pains to tell her that her studies are her top priority and she needs to ensure it does not take her mind off her school work and her CCA. If it does, then the relationship is not right for her. She asked me if she could have the best of both worlds. Must it always be one or the other? I told her yes she could. But it takes effort and a good head on the shoulders to be able to do that. I assure her I would be there to help her or lend a listening ear if she has any problems. She agreed and the dating bit did not affect her studies - the two of them did very well for their A-levels.

Looking back, I realised I was really being too lenient with her. Now with my second one, I am a lot stricter. I was taking too much of a risk with my elder one. So many things could go wrong...

What do you think you would do when your child starts dating and dating seriously when he or she is still in school?

What went wrong with the first one? Sounds good so why need to be more strict?!

I am inclined to say I will be telling my kids no dating as in single dates and going steady while still in secondary school. But what happens when the time comes, well I will only know then.

And don't mind me saying, but won't your #2 question why #1 can and she cannot? How would you handle that?

I know me being the middle child, I got away with a lot of stuff. And maybe also due to my independance, my Dad did not rein me in as tightly as he did my elder and younger sis. So for me, I did not question him at all since I saw how much more freedom I got. But my younger sis did question and challenge him with things like why 2nd sis can and I cannot, why the double standard, etc.

i would not encourage my child to date before 16. Let them know what are their priorities at that age. Studies should definitely come before bgr. we should tell them early so they would know it

Some parents send their kids to single sex schools to prevent BGR. Especially for those who have daughters. For myself, I strongly discourage sec kids to date. They might end up having premature sex. Kids at this age should focus on their study & enjoy their school days instead of stick with their so called partner all the times.

it's headache for me now, mine just started the relationship with a girl and this girl keep asking him out all the times even during his exam weeks. I stopped him from going out as he's having his exam n he is very angry. I'm really in a loss what to do.....

I have told my children that there is nothing wrong having an interest in that boy or girl. It's all part of growing up but no dating, group outing is fine.

I prefer them to date around 19 -20 year old. No, no for Secondary and below.

pokemon97 wrote:it's headache for me now, mine just started the relationship with a girl and this girl keep asking him out all the times even during his exam weeks. I stopped him from going out as he's having his exam n he is very angry. I'm really in a loss what to do.....

i think maybe u have to explain to him to wait until after the exams?
or u invite the girl to your place for dinner/dvd movie and then offer to send her home after that so your boy can revise?
i remember when i was dating my husband, i imposed a 1month no meeting rule during exam period! and when he needed to rush his final year project, i went over to his place for dinner and then we went for a quick stroll before his parents sent me home.

i'm so and stress now after reading this thread.... how to brainwash a child that dating should be after education?

jedamum wrote:

pokemon97 wrote:it's headache for me now, mine just started the relationship with a girl and this girl keep asking him out all the times even during his exam weeks. I stopped him from going out as he's having his exam n he is very angry. I'm really in a loss what to do.....

i think maybe u have to explain to him to wait until after the exams?
or u invite the girl to your place for dinner/dvd movie and then offer to send her home after that so your boy can revise?
i remember when i was dating my husband, i imposed a 1month no meeting rule during exam period! and when he needed to rush his final year project, i went over to his place for dinner and then we went for a quick stroll before his parents sent me home.

Thanks jedamum, I've did that, i've tried both ways, told him will let him go out after his exam and invite the girl come but it dun work. The girl keep pestering him to go out, she has already planned a lot of programme , ice-skating, movie, dinner. She keep massaging him tell him to persuade us to let him go out...headache. The girl is in normal stream but my boy next year going to take his o level, it really worries me.. thought of sending him to the school counselling, will it work?? Did anyone do that before, can share??