KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

Hi there, I was reading through some threads here with some interest.

You know how Jack Neo often writes movies about 'himself'? I think I shall do the same. However this is a work of fiction but I think it has some 'realistic basis'. Research is done from reading threads here.


/fiction start

Hello there. My name is Dave. I am 31 years old and married with 2 kids, 1 daughter, 6 and 1 son, 3. I'm an assistant general manager in a local SME, I drive a 2nd hand Honda Airwave. My wife is a civil servant in some stat board which I would not name. She seems to be doing fairly well and drawing a nice amount, good enough that we can live in a condominium in the East. As for me, well, in terms of work, I was promoted from being a junior technician to my position over the last 10 years, working for my company, despite me being only a poly graduate. I guess it is because I worked hard, and treated my staff with respect. Life should be rather good for me. My parents and maid help out with the kids. My parents seem genuinely happy. My kids are rather well behaved, when I compare them with some of their peers. They say please and thank you, call daddy, kong-kong, por-por and mummy and they are not hyperactive. I should be feeling happy too.... but somehow I feel numb. Like the years are speeding by. Or like when you are taking a bus but don't know which stop to stop at.

Several years ago, my wife wanted to do a part time MBA in our local university. Somehow, despite having a young child, she managed to complete the course. She was earmarked as someone with potential at her workplace and was rapidly promoted. I love my wife very much and would always give in to her. Despite my misgivings, I supported her emotionally throughout her MBA course. I thought I could cope well with this extra burden, and maybe I did. Thing is, she was rarely interested in sex during that time. I guess anyone would not be interested, having a toddler in tow and having to study part time and work. Whenever we found time to do it, it felt like it was a rushed affair and more of a irritation like-lets-do-this-and-get-it-over-with kind of thing. Still, I loved my wife, I wanted to support her, I wanted to be a good husband so I said nothing. Wife tells me I am so understanding and that after her course was completed, life 'could' return to normal...

After the course was completed, life did return to normal for a bit of time.... but then later on, my wife was promoted at work (she had potential, see?). She started coming home slightly later, around 7.30 - 8 pm and what time she had spent would be spent shooing our children to sleep and/or reading to them and/ or showing them those funny flashcards. Whenever I tried to read to the kids, she would go "hai yah! your pronunciation is so poor! I don't really want the kids to grow up talking like you!" I would feel self conscious about this.... but she should know what she's talking about, she's the smarter one, right? After the kids were asleep, we would talk for a while...like maybe 10 minutes and then she would go back to answering her emails and so on...fine, it's not like I don't have emails, right?

Time went by, and work increased. She was given a team to manage and started being snappier when she came home. It's quite freaky and disturbing when my daughter snaps at her younger brother in the exact same way. I sometimes wonder how we had the capability to conceive another child. Still, the boy looks exactly like me.....if you know what I mean.....

On some nights when we do talk, wife tells me whatever she wants. She wants a bigger house so that boy and girl can have their own rooms, she wants to study some more and get a pHD (good lord. What's a PHD?) , she has planned out the whole of son and daughter's lives right down to the overseas university she wants them to study in. That's really nice, but business has been not-so-good for the past few years because of our cheaper Chinese competitors and my income is not exactly growing the way I would like it to.....or at least, compared to her. That's her dream.....I noticed that she didn't ask me what my dream was..... if she had asked... I would have answered her that I want a wife that comes home at 6 everyday for dinner, talks normally (not like barking orders) and doesn't answer emails at night. Still, I guess I am happy right....? Sometimes the only times I feel happy is when I've gone fishing...... but then the wife would grumble about how selfish I am and she doesn't get any time with her friends and how I would dump the kids on her...... fishing is my sole release and even so, the gaps between my fishing trips are getting longer and longer.....just like my heart gets deader and deader...

/ to be continued

/fiction cont

still, sometimes we would go out for romantic dinners and things would generally be ok. Sort of like before all this MBA and promotions and management nonsense. Did I say nonsense? Sorry. I really don't wish to be old fashioned. I like to think I'm a supportive husband. Still, wife could talk better to me. Once, she went on about about 'you have no ambition!, you're aimless! you're too comfortable in that job of yours! why don't you quit that job and get a better one?' hello, I am earning much higher than the average income in this country and manage close to 50 people and 20 clients in various roles and you still say I have no ambition?

I tried talking to her about her 'obsession' once and you know what? She went ballistic. She said that I was chauvinistic and I could get away with staying away from home and the kids and she couldn't..... and so on and on about gender inequality and how secretly I don't like the idea of her earning more than me and so on.... perhaps it was true to some extent, but the reaction was so strong....I really didn't wish to talk to her for the rest of the week. Gee, you go for your yoga and tea sessions, I go for my fishing trips, what's the problem?

Anyway, the problem was compounded. The following week, I had a flu and had a bad stuffy nose. Instead of showing concern she said 'I'll be sleeping in the kid's room, your snoring is unbearable....' Seriously.... Somehow, during that moment I gave up something. Don't really know what it was. It was like something died within me.

/cont

/cont

we went on like that for the time being. Well in the course of work, there was something interesting. I had to work with another large IT company in terms of implementing a large project for a govt client worth several million. Now most of the IT team were men and unusually, this were a team of locals and in the team was 1 lady by the name of Esther....

Esther was not exactly very young. I would guess she was around the same age as me, in our 30s and she was to be my 'counterpart' in this project. I handled the technical requirements and she handled the IT side of things. She was of average height, slim, had clear, fair skin and high cheekbones. She wasn't exactly a classic beauty, some crows feet were coming but generally was pleasant to look at. One thing about her was that despite being a lady, she could be 'one of the boys' and joke around. However, she did not like to wear pants, preferring simple work dresses that were colourful.

This was such a refreshing contrast to my wife who typically wears business suits with pants. It was nice to at least have some 'eye candy' to look at on a regular basis in my testosterone filled industry. I started looking forward to combined meetings...it sure beat seeing my boss (old man), my peers (old men) and my teammates (too young men)

I guess one day, things just happened. One of the external teams working on this project apart from us (mostly from the same country, from central Asia, there, I've said enough already) had messed up big time. Client wanted us to save the project, or else there would be SLAs and thus fines to pay. Willing to pay more, but that meant more work to do. Boss said, Dave, you're the best guy around. I've seen you since you were a kid (21? hahah) and you haven't disappointed me. Please, for our sake, take this part. I know you can do it. I will give you a big bonus and incentive during this period for your trouble....project is worth several million to us, how about some more of that several million?

Sure, no problem! It meant taking in more money (something I could always have) and the wife would be happy as we could afford our newer very first landed property sooner. my parents could move in, our kids could have their own rooms...the maid could have her own room and I could have my pond of koi, just like I always wanted! On a darker note.... I had supported my wife when she was doing her MBA, hey, it would be payback time, we'll soon be even...

/cont

/cont

wife was happy when she heard the news. 'great, hubby! Now you can take this chance to network with the other larger companies!'. I told her that this may take some sacrifice on her part. For instance, I would have to come home late on some nights in order to meet deadlines and do milestone presentations. Wife said, ok, but I expect you to come home for dinner and then later you may go off to back to the office'. Such a good wife! Amazing.

Of course, the months took their toll and I spend time with the teams working together. We would sometimes go out for drinks after our late nights. We kept things professional. Wife was now understanding. For one thing, I wasn't asking her for sex as I was working 12 - 14 hour days Monday to Saturday. What spare time I spent was with the kids on 'disagreeable' activities, like playing computer games together and watching cartoons.

Things seemed fine or so I thought...

/contd

after a long while, some things happened in the project. Me and Esther had started to spend long periods of time together discussing the details of the project. I really enjoyed working with her, she was calm and professional, and always spoke in an even tone. But somehow, rarely, I caught a glimpse of a vulnerable soul underneath the calm exterior. Still, it was rude to pry, so I kept my distance.

on the home side, things were looking better. I had stopped asking my wife for sex as I simply was too tired. With that tension gone, things seemed to be less tense at home. There were many times when I came home late. I would look at my sleeping wife and kids in the next room and go 'Dave, you can't mess things up. You have a perfect family and your kids idolize you.'

/contd

/contd

Over time Esther and myself started opening up to one another. I guess it started during a lunch where I joked with the rest of the team that I "don't get to have sex. Wife is busy managing her own staff and when she gets home, she's too busy managing her kids, me included!" Everybody laughed and I teased the young ones (wait till you get to MY age, then you'll know!). Esther gave me a 'duh' smile. Later on, when we were in the meeting room (alone, but don't worry, glass doors and partial privacy concept), she revealed that she had been recently divorced and her ex-husband had cheated on her. Man, what an idiot! Such a good catch, and still you leave her for another woman. Are you nuts??!!! Still, I was determined to stay professional, so I said some sympathetic (and half angry) words about the ex, and continued on with work discussion. Still, we were getting to know each other better...

There were a few things I really liked about her....for one thing, she laughed at my jokes. She expressed genuine appreciation for what I had gone through. (oh, you must have worked very hard in order to rise through the ranks!). She knew how to encourage me when things were going down. We had an ease of conversation with each other. My wife was my first girlfriend....I had never had this kind of conversation, such easy going conversation with another woman before. I had imagined....if I didn't get married so early, how would my life had turned out?

/cont


Going to sleep. Tired. Will continue when I have time.

I told you it is fiction liao

but I've never exercised my creative writing skills for a long time

got moral of story one

the 'me' is 'me' imagining I am writing from the point of view from the main character which is someone similar to 'me'

ok ok lets put it this way

just because I wrote 50 shades of grey or twillight doesn't mean I am in a bdsm relationship or vampire relationship, right?

/continuation


Sometimes I get a little discouraged and depressed at home. Let me tell you why. Here are some samples of the conversations we have:

"You shouldn't drink coffee so much as it gives you gas"

"Why are you just sitting there reading newspaper?! Quick, help me pick up the toys and put the kids to bed!"

"Can you not grumble? I am doing so much more than you! I have to be a wife a mother a daughter and a manager! I put in so much more than you! Sometimes I want things to slow down, but I can't!"

On why I disapprove of her sending daughter to too many enrichment classes
"D is 6 and she's incredibly bright. She almost knows 2 and a half languages! what do you know? Sometimes you can't even speak English well. Why dont you want your daughter to do well?"

On our son
"S is 3 and he just is doing his baby talk still..... I am really worried about him. Compared to D, S is really slow.....what are we going to do? We must send him for more courses to help him!" and then comes a fight about late bloomers and how I was one....

On finances
"I earn more than you and I'm taking care of the kids, don't worry about anything...."

so basically

she disapproves of my hair

she disapproves of the way I like to spend time with the kids

she disapproves of the way I drive (2 hands please! why do you only drive with 1 hand?)

she doesn't let me contribute to the household funds as she has this expectation that she wants to pay for everything.... gee, that's odd. a wife that wants to provide.

she doesn't like me drinking my favorite coffee

I know happiness is overrated but what happened? It seemed so long ago.

When we got married I was young and it seemed like I was going places. I was optimistic. I knew with hard work I could get there. Now.... the tides of global economics determine how far I can go further.... I am not so sure working hard would help. In the past, I had hope of promotion and wife was younger, softer and she got home early and cooked me meals.

I really miss her home-cooked food, I really do.... now everything is cooked by the maid.

I think of my mother and father. My father was a plumber and my mother a housewife. I have 2 younger sisters, 1 is married but moved to England, the other is still single. My dad would come home at 6 in his sputtering old van and have dinner and sometimes head out again. My family is boring but harmonious.

Is this the reality of castles in the sky? If it is, I'm not sure I like it.

I think I'll buy a sportscar.... I don't really like driving the airwave sometimes. SGcarmart has some nice cars online...maybe I'll take a look....

/to be contd

ur story is so well-said... makes me wonder if i was such a wife... but i'm not earning more than my dh, a little bossy at times but i seem to be better than ur wife... but 1 thing so similar is that i have also said things like "dun drink so much coffee", "ur pronunciation is wrong", "can u dun comb ur hair so high" and all those...

my god, i must be a bad wife too..