Another failed marriage.

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

Another failed marriage.

Postby EnL » Thu Nov 01, 2012 4:09 pm

Am in an inter-racial marriage. Dh is a Muslim while I am Chinese free-thinker. Known him for more than half a lifetime and married for 12 years.

Since we got married, I have never stepped foot into his parents' home. I have disallowed him to bring our 2 kids (10 and 2) to see his parents. While he was disappointed with that, we were otherwise a happy family (most of the time). Since the passing of his father 3 months ago, his mother had been pestering him to see the kids. His siblings also "poke poke" which pressurized him even more. For avoidance of doubt, Dh does not stop my parents from seeing the kids.

I refused to give in although a part of me know that I a being unreasonable. I can't even explain why I dislike his side of the family so much that I do not want any association with them. Maybe I just don't want my kids to become Muslims.

Dh is considering a divorce so that he could bring the kids to see his mom etc during his visitation time. He said as much to our 10 yo. My kid told me that it did not bother him not knowing his father's side, but it bothered him that his parents would no longer be together.

I left my job last year after the birth of my #2 kid. While I have savings, I need to support my parents financially and meet personal financial obligations ie. insurance. At the moment, Dh pays for household exp and I think his paycheck is about $7k.

While I am still relatively clear-minded, I need to think about the kids' future financial needs (eg. escalating tuition fees esp when my elder son is in sec sch) and our day to day expenses. Where do i start? What do I have to take into consideration? Will I be denied maintenance given I have significant amount of savings? Thanks in advance.

EnL
YellowBelt
YellowBelt
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:15 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: Another failed marriage.

Postby Mawar » Thu Nov 01, 2012 4:23 pm

This marriage need not end this way. Marriage is a 2 way street, give and take. I believe there was more water under the bridge for you to have certain misgivings.

You entered into this inter racial marriage with your eyes open. If you can love and live with DH, who is Muslim and likely brought up as one, you can choose to look at his strengths.

You help maintain your parents' finances, and you don't allow your DH the joy of bringing his kids to see his parents. :stupid:

Do not take take the wrong path so you won't have to cross the river of regrets.

Mawar
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 1187
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 2:50 pm
Total Likes: 11


Re: Another failed marriage.

Postby mamago » Thu Nov 01, 2012 4:43 pm

Hi, EnL.

Mawar is absolutely right... do not take the wrong path so you won't have to cross the river of regrets....

Try to work out a solution that works for you and your family as a whole.

Wish you all the best.

mamago
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 1438
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2012 2:30 pm
Total Likes: 10


Re: Another failed marriage.

Postby ammonite » Thu Nov 01, 2012 5:14 pm

is this the only sticking issue in your marriage? if it is, and it has been eroding your marriage, it is worth seeking out a counsellor to understand why you dislike his family so much. It seems a pity to give it up when you don't even have a clear idea why. Clarifying the issues will benefit you, your marriage and your children. They will grow up, they will ask why. "I don't know" is not a good enough answer for something that will affect them greatly.

ammonite
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 2223
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 8:13 am
Total Likes: 64


Re: Another failed marriage.

Postby ponyo » Thu Nov 01, 2012 5:36 pm

Dear EnL
Agree with ammonite. Just as we teach our kids resilence and perseverance , I believe we should demonstrate it in our lives. Don't give up on your marriage just like that. The decision taken by the adults can and will have an impact on the kids.

Please do try to work things out first...

I really wish you all the best and hopefully your marriage does not have to end with a full-stop like your subject title. :pray:

Take care

ponyo
BlueBelt
BlueBelt
 
Posts: 331
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2009 6:21 pm
Total Likes: 3



Re: Another failed marriage.

Postby EnL » Thu Nov 01, 2012 5:50 pm

ammonite wrote:is this the only sticking issue in your marriage?.

Yes, this is one, the other being bringing the kids up as non-Muslims.

EnL
YellowBelt
YellowBelt
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:15 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: Another failed marriage.

Postby EnL » Thu Nov 01, 2012 5:57 pm

Mawar wrote:You entered into this inter racial marriage with your eyes open. If you can love and live with DH, who is Muslim and likely brought up as one, you can choose to look at his strengths. .

The saying 'love is blind' is very true, esp when one was young. Yes, he was brought up as one. We dated for 9 years b4 we got married yet we did not (at least I did not) think of children issues. Young and blind!

EnL
YellowBelt
YellowBelt
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:15 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: Another failed marriage.

Postby EnL » Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:00 pm

We had consulted a FSC counsellor a few years ago. Her comment after hearing our story was "No hope".

EnL
YellowBelt
YellowBelt
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:15 pm
Total Likes: 0


Re: Another failed marriage.

Postby Mawar » Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:14 pm

EnL wrote:
ammonite wrote:is this the only sticking issue in your marriage?.

Yes, this is one, the other being bringing the kids up as non-Muslims.


We want the best for our kids. But at a certain point, we have to accept that they will follow their hearts. Have you ever thought about the possibility that your kids might be drawn by the tension/intrique and search for their buried heritage? What would you do to stop them? Can you even stop things from coming full cycle?

Please think carefully. It's not about you and you alone anymore.

Mawar
KiasuGrandMaster
KiasuGrandMaster
 
Posts: 1187
Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2011 2:50 pm
Total Likes: 11


Re: Another failed marriage.

Postby EnL » Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:17 pm

When the kids are old enough to choose, I will respect their wishes. Until then, I do not wish Islamic teachings to be forced down their throats. No offence to the Muslim members here.
Last edited by EnL on Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

EnL
YellowBelt
YellowBelt
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:15 pm
Total Likes: 0


Next

Return to Relationships