KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

My brother has been jobless for more than half a year. My sis in law is not helping in anyway except giving him some more problems. He vents his problems on his friends and family. Calling us stupid, moron, idiot for no reason. He has become so withdrawn that I'm afraid that either they are heading for divorce or maybe worse things might happen. Can anyone offer some advice? Appreciate it!

TheAnswer wrote:My brother has been jobless for more than half a year. My sis in law is not helping in anyway except giving him some more problems. He vents his problems on his friends and family. Calling us stupid, moron, idiot for no reason. He has become so withdrawn that I'm afraid that either they are heading for divorce or maybe worse things might happen. Can anyone offer some advice? Appreciate it!

Hi
Not in a position to offer advice, juz some thoughts to share.....

Please get / persuade yr brother to seek help from a doc or a psychiatrist soon,
as if go untreated, constant depression or anxiety can lead to serious problems,
such as impaired functioning, self injury or suicidal thoughts.....
Besides causing stress to his relationship with his family and friends....

If he can find a job, that will certainly help him from his current situation as
he will have something to focus on physically and mentally.....
see whether u or yr friends can help him on this aspect....

Meanwhile, be more tolerant towards him.......
give him whatever support he needed, financially or emotionally.....
Encourage him, talk to him, listens to his complaints, provides him with all the love and support....

Hereby, wish him quick recovery....

Augmum wrote:

TheAnswer wrote:My brother has been jobless for more than half a year. My sis in law is not helping in anyway except giving him some more problems. He vents his problems on his friends and family. Calling us stupid, moron, idiot for no reason. He has become so withdrawn that I'm afraid that either they are heading for divorce or maybe worse things might happen. Can anyone offer some advice? Appreciate it!

Hi
Not in a position to offer advice, juz some thoughts to share.....

Please get / persuade yr brother to seek help from a doc or a psychiatrist soon,
as if go untreated, constant depression or anxiety can lead to serious problems,
such as impaired functioning, self injury or suicidal thoughts.....
Besides causing stress to his relationship with his family and friends....

If he can find a job, that will certainly help him from his current situation as
he will have something to focus on physically and mentally.....
see whether u or yr friends can help him on this aspect....

Meanwhile, be more tolerant towards him.......
give him whatever support he needed, financially or emotionally.....
Encourage him, talk to him, listens to his complaints, provides him with all the love and support....

Hereby, wish him quick recovery....

Hi Augmum,

Thanks for ur reply and advice. I have spoken to him many times (too many to count). He is at those kind of turn off mode. Turned off for a good 8 months now. I dunno if he is even communicating with his wife. They seem to be leading separate lifes. Occasionally when he feels better he will talk to me. If not its like flaring up at everyone. I asked him how was Christmas. I was shouted at. He told me not to meddle or ask about his life. I was like previously I asked him to join our christmas party, he turned down.

I also asked him to seek help in getting a job but he say he can manage. He said he wanted to study but until now I see no movement. Honestly I'm very angry with him because he is blaming everyone for his circumstances.

He is always annoyed with one thing or another. I have heard all kinds of verbal abuse from him. Once he broke sth while quarrelling with his wife. Thank Godness he didn't hit his wife.. Oh well... He is giving me all the negative vibe.. I feel better after releasing it here..

Thanks for all the listening ears!

8 mths is really too long..... not sure what is holding him back from trying with all his effort to get a job. Telling him to get a job may be the last thing he wants to hear now. He may need more help. Why not "hand hold" him for now. Go submit his name to recruiting companies, monitor the replies for him, reply for him, submit documents for him, rehearse interviews with him, take him to interviews, encourage him to look presentable & stay positive, and when he gets a job, take him to work for the first few days. It may seem like you are treating him like a child and it may sound extreme ......but 8 months is too long. All the best!

Helping him get a regular job is really the best way forward. As of now though, the best way is to settle him into a routine. Read in a separate article from the following that getting a routine is the best defence against depression. There are other strategies as well listed here:
http://www.webmd.com/depression/feature ... treatments

I guess a routine like sending a certain number of resumes a day, waking up at a certain time, completing an exercise/workout etc. will really help.

TheAnswer wrote:My brother has been jobless for more than half a year. My sis in law is not helping in anyway except giving him some more problems. He vents his problems on his friends and family. Calling us stupid, moron, idiot for no reason. He has become so withdrawn that I'm afraid that either they are heading for divorce or maybe worse things might happen. Can anyone offer some advice? Appreciate it!

wow. this one need his good friend or mentor figure to slap the sense into him

need to handle with care:

reason: if you do things for him, it would not help his self esteem any

need counselling, probably

leongmichael wrote:8 mths is really too long..... not sure what is holding him back from trying with all his effort to get a job. Telling him to get a job may be the last thing he wants to hear now. He may need more help. Why not "hand hold" him for now. Go submit his name to recruiting companies, monitor the replies for him, reply for him, submit documents for him, rehearse interviews with him, take him to interviews, encourage him to look presentable & stay positive, and when he gets a job, take him to work for the first few days. It may seem like you are treating him like a child and it may sound extreme ......but 8 months is too long. All the best!

I think if I am going to do send his resumes for him. I will get hell from him. I mean seriously hell. I will have to endure verbal torture again. He didn't send any resumes for a few months cos he thinks that he needs a break after working for 10 years. I am sure many parents here have worked for 10 years or more. After that few months, he sent a few. Yes, only a few. Totally no response. Now he is not doing anything actively.

Joule wrote:

TheAnswer wrote:My brother has been jobless for more than half a year. My sis in law is not helping in anyway except giving him some more problems. He vents his problems on his friends and family. Calling us stupid, moron, idiot for no reason. He has become so withdrawn that I'm afraid that either they are heading for divorce or maybe worse things might happen. Can anyone offer some advice? Appreciate it!

wow. this one need his good friend or mentor figure to slap the sense into him

need to handle with care:

reason: if you do things for him, it would not help his self esteem any

need counselling, probably

..

I told him nicely and patiently he has got low self esteem. I know the verbal abuse is due to low self esteem. He turned it around and said I have low self esteem. Good friends advised him many rounds until they call it quits. Who will stay around and get mental torture?

Friends all run away cos they all cannot ask how he is? Mentor figure is like non existent! He used to confide in me especially when we were younger.

TheAnswer wrote:My brother has been jobless for more than half a year. My sis in law is not helping in anyway except giving him some more problems. He vents his problems on his friends and family. Calling us stupid, moron, idiot for no reason. He has become so withdrawn that I'm afraid that either they are heading for divorce or maybe worse things might happen. Can anyone offer some advice? Appreciate it!

It depends on the kind of relation that you have with your brother and your SIL .How do you know what your SIL is going through ?? You seem to brand her as a non-caring person with your first statement. If you have never been good to them and suddenly become a very caring person - it would take a while for them to understand your good intentions.You could probably help the family by giving some money to help them tide over their difficult time or take their kids for an outing.If you are just going to talk to your brother all the time about the job - you are not helping instead you are just frustrating him more.

TheAnswer wrote:

Joule wrote:

TheAnswer wrote:My brother has been jobless for more than half a year. My sis in law is not helping in anyway except giving him some more problems. He vents his problems on his friends and family. Calling us stupid, moron, idiot for no reason. He has become so withdrawn that I'm afraid that either they are heading for divorce or maybe worse things might happen. Can anyone offer some advice? Appreciate it!

wow. this one need his good friend or mentor figure to slap the sense into him

need to handle with care:

reason: if you do things for him, it would not help his self esteem any.

need counselling, probably

..

I told him nicely and patiently he has got low self esteem. I know the verbal abuse is due to low self esteem. He turned it around and said I have low self esteem. Good friends advised him many rounds until they call it quits. Who will stay around and get mental torture?

Friends all run away cos they all cannot ask how he is? Mentor figure is like non existent! He used to confide in me especially when we were younger.

Geee whiz. It's really hard to give this guy an ultimatum to get his shit together.

The last time something like this remotely worked was when the wife threatened to up and go and take the kids along unless the guy went for counselling.

oh the flip side I can understand how ANNOYING it is when the wife (and sister / and mother) keeps asking you for months on end whether you've found a job or not. (not that I'm condoning yelling at those who are concerned about you though)

my sympathies.

maybe you can lay off the concern for the time being and let him stew.

by the way the guy has no job means totally no job is it?

not like , oh, I got a job but I quit within the first week because yadada yadada like it's too far etc etc