HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof

Postby LionIron » Fri Aug 07, 2009 6:59 pm

I'm at wits's end. My wife becomes a change person. Everytime she teaches the kids at home, she is screaming at them. The whole neighbour can hear it (I know because while walking back downstairs from carpark, I can hear her screams.

I used all ways :
a. Psycho
b. Soft way
c. Hard way
d. Calm way
e. Logic way
f. The D Word
g. Praying

Nothing works.
The children (2 of them 1st one PSLE) have tuitions but she insist to go thru with her own assessment books for every subject.

The only thing she told me is : She knows her problem but she cannot correct it. Her Expectations got the better of her...

HELP !

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Postby jedamum » Fri Aug 07, 2009 7:05 pm

is she a SAHM?
when did it begin?

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Postby LionIron » Fri Aug 07, 2009 7:09 pm

jedamum wrote:is she a SAHM?
when did it begin?


SAHM - I think its Stay At Home Mum ?
YES. When 1st child is Pri 4 so 3 years ago.

I now stopped being Angry at her and everytime she Blows her top, I hug her and give support and kind words. I have to hug the children too as they are crying almost every night...

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Postby LionIron » Fri Aug 07, 2009 7:20 pm

jedamum wrote:is she a SAHM?
when did it begin?


FYI they still fail ...
They are now like Robots - only from her pushing then they do their work.

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Postby skunk » Fri Aug 07, 2009 7:27 pm

LionIron wrote:SAHM - I think its Stay At Home Mum ?
YES. When 1st child is Pri 4 so 3 years ago.


As a stay-at-home-dad, I understand what your wife is going through. Sometimes it's just insane, cooking, cleaning, caring for kids, caring for husband (for your wife, not me LOL), no/little income, low self-esteem, little contact with the outside world (now u know how come im always online?).....it's easy to become insane.

Let your wife know u understand, and most importantly, SHE has to understand that unless she can let go, let go of all her fears, worries, frustrations, anxieties, she cannot be a good parent. Simply because her worries will backfire and become a self-fulfilling prophecy, in making your kids do even worse for studies.

Take her out at night when u come back from work (get off your lazy butt!!) for a mini-paktor session, so she can go out and relax and take her mind off what's bothering her. Sometimes, a little time-out can let her see things from another perspective.

Regular love-making can help to relieve stress n tension, despite the fatigue at the end of a long day. Exercise is another one, ironically, sometimes the more we exercise, the more energy we have.

Our emotions are all about chemicals in our body, control that and we control the emotions, more easily at least. Cut down on carbo and sugar, personally, i find the empty sugar-rush and the subsequent melt-down doing worst for my short fuse.

Once again, she has to let go. Let go of her burdens, so that she and the family can run towards a new life instead of being bogged down.

Cheers.

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Re: HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof

Postby tianzhu » Fri Aug 07, 2009 7:38 pm

LionIron wrote:I'm at wits's end. My wife becomes a change person. Everytime she teaches the kids at home, she is screaming at them. The whole neighbour can hear it (I know because while walking back downstairs from carpark, I can hear her screams.


Hi

I must admit I am prone to losing my cool and screaming at my boy at times. I regretted very much after every incident asking myself why did I committed the rash act. I felt so sorry looking at his sad face.

I try very hard to practice anger management, but you know at that point, you simply go crazy and lash out.

I realise that the one I shouted at is the one most precious to me and always remind myself to keep cool. But once a while, I’ll go crazy. Sometimes my boy says it’s better for him to post questions in forums and wait for his daddy to reply. It’s so much safer than not knowing when the bomb will explode.

I know very well I must change. I’ve to work hard to change.

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Postby LionIron » Fri Aug 07, 2009 7:57 pm

skunk wrote:
LionIron wrote:SAHM - I think its Stay At Home Mum ?
YES. When 1st child is Pri 4 so 3 years ago.


As a stay-at-home-dad, I understand what your wife is going through. Sometimes it's just insane, cooking, cleaning, caring for kids, caring for husband (for your wife, not me LOL), no/little income, low self-esteem, little contact with the outside world (now u know how come im always online?).....it's easy to become insane.

Let your wife know u understand, and most importantly, SHE has to understand that unless she can let go, let go of all her fears, worries, frustrations, anxieties, she cannot be a good parent. Simply because her worries will backfire and become a self-fulfilling prophecy, in making your kids do even worse for studies.

Take her out at night when u come back from work (get off your lazy butt!!) for a mini-paktor session, so she can go out and relax and take her mind off what's bothering her. Sometimes, a little time-out can let her see things from another perspective.

Regular love-making can help to relieve stress n tension, despite the fatigue at the end of a long day. Exercise is another one, ironically, sometimes the more we exercise, the more energy we have.

Our emotions are all about chemicals in our body, control that and we control the emotions, more easily at least. Cut down on carbo and sugar, personally, i find the empty sugar-rush and the subsequent melt-down doing worst for my short fuse.

Once again, she has to let go. Let go of her burdens, so that she and the family can run towards a new life instead of being bogged down.

Cheers.


Thx Skunk,
But U need to know these facts :
a. She don't lift a finger at home on chores - we have a housemaid.
b. She is the Angel with Friends and Relatives - On the phone she is laughing chatting and after she hangs up - she can be switch to the Anger at peak.
c. I understand and I show it in action and words and Self-made cards. I felt that she's taking advantage of me pleasing her every way.
d. I hv ask a 1000 times to go out Paktor but she's always postponing it and engross with the children.
e. She will find all excuses to refrain Lovemaking - Stomache, headache, Too Angry to do it, no mood, tired, u name it she's got it. Don't ask further...
f. I started Sat/Sun morning walks / simple exercise and ask her to join - U know the answer - too tired. (mind you she sleeps afternoon naps for 3 hours.
g. She eats mainly Homecook food.

I've used all the most beautiful and encouraging words I know for her.

I started to go home early since 1 yr ago to be "there" for the kids.
I also suggest she go for Pschiatric help - she brush it off justifying that he friends also have the same problem as her.
I almost died.

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Postby jedamum » Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:02 pm

skunk wrote: no/little income, low self-esteem, little contact with the outside world (now u know how come im always online?).....it's easy to become insane.

:celebrate:

LionIron,

This I share as a current SAHM.

You have to let your wife knows that how the kids perform is not a reflection of her ability as a SAHM. It is even more difficult when the media links the 'top psle' scorer's success with the fact that their mum is a SAHMum :roll: .

When life gets circled around the kids too much, the mum's expectations of the kids will increase as they had given a lot in terms of their time, energy and sacrifices to what they believe is for the 'good of the kid'. Maybe it's time to get her to pick up some hobbies or some other stuff to divert her energy.

On your part, step in when the temper rises. Offer to take over the coaching of the work, so that she feels that she is not alone in 'deciding the fate' of the kids' PSLE performance. Share this burden with her. In the event *touchwood*, that the kid did not perform to the desired expectations, you then have to take the fair share of responsibilities. Knowing that you are on the same boat as her (instead of merely putting bread on the table) will relieve some stress from her.

Just another query....is she holding a respectably high-paying/professional job at the time when she resigned to be a SAHM?

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Re: HELP NEEDED BADLY - Wife's temper hitting the roof

Postby LionIron » Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:06 pm

tianzhu wrote:
LionIron wrote:I'm at wits's end. My wife becomes a change person. Everytime she teaches the kids at home, she is screaming at them. The whole neighbour can hear it (I know because while walking back downstairs from carpark, I can hear her screams.


Hi

I must admit I am prone to losing my cool and screaming at my boy at times. I regretted very much after every incident asking myself why did I committed the rash act. I felt so sorry looking at his sad face.

I try very hard to practice anger management, but you know at that point, you simply go crazy and lash out.

I realise that the one I shouted at is the one most precious to me and always remind myself to keep cool. But once a while, I’ll go crazy. Sometimes my boy says it’s better for him to post questions in forums and wait for his daddy to reply. It’s so much safer than not knowing when the bomb will explode.

I know very well I must change. I’ve to work hard to change.


Tianzhu,
I was like that a few years ago. I changed because I want to be happy and have a happy family. I started to tell myself every morning, if I spend this day mad, angry, frustrated, fed-up, piss-off, etc... I just wasted 1 more day - Maybe tomorrow is my last day on earth ?

So I'm happy but I'm sad to see my wife in this vicious circle of anger.
I want to find all ways to treat her illness.

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Postby skunk » Fri Aug 07, 2009 8:07 pm

LionIron wrote:a. She don't lift a finger at home on chores - we have a housemaid.


maybe that's her prob. She has all the energy to focus on your kids, it's suffocating the kids and even herself.

Get rid of the maid, when u have to cook, clean, and work part-time also, u learn to let go...simply because almost cannot cope already LOL

nolah that's a little extreme, but my point remains, she has too much energy. Energy that is manifested destructively.

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