don't really know how to talk to wife

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don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby Joule » Sat Feb 23, 2013 12:03 am

hi all;

I just want to express that I don't really know how to express my irritation and displeasure at my wife

I've tried before to tell her about things that annoy/upset me - e.g. criticizing the way I do things, driving, etc, how she gets on the computer and does not speak to me, little issues from long ago, the way she talks like I am one of her staff, etc.

she just argues her way out with her ridiculous logic exercises and I am left fuming. I have sort of given up somewhat.

I sometimes get so peeved that I hit the wall in frustration when nobody's around

Compared to some of the others, I don't think I have a lot of problem. Family life is harmonious (in general), no affairs, no quarrels, no PIL conflicts (she gets along better with my parents than me). I feel like I should be the luckiest man in the world.

But I'm so constantly angry from time to time. And sometimes I like it.

And that sort of scares me.

Like maybe one day I will not suppress my anger anymore. I may end up hitting my wife.

And that will be the end of my marriage.

Joule
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Re: don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby Sun_2010 » Sat Feb 23, 2013 1:29 am

Joule wrote:hi all;

I just want to express that I don't really know how to express my irritation and displeasure at my wife

I've tried before to tell her about things that annoy/upset me - e.g. criticizing the way I do things, driving, etc, how she gets on the computer and does not speak to me, little issues from long ago, the way she talks like I am one of her staff, etc.

she just argues her way out with her ridiculous logic exercises and I am left fuming. I have sort of given up somewhat.

I sometimes get so peeved that I hit the wall in frustration when nobody's around

Compared to some of the others, I don't think I have a lot of problem. Family life is harmonious (in general), no affairs, no quarrels, no PIL conflicts (she gets along better with my parents than me). I feel like I should be the luckiest man in the world.

But I'm so constantly angry from time to time. And sometimes I like it.

And that sort of scares me.

Like maybe one day I will not suppress my anger anymore. I may end up hitting my wife.

And that will be the end of my marriage.

Joule, Feelings are not logical or practical.


Not that I know the actual issues. But one thing is for sure you have some underlying resentment against your wife. And resentment is corrisive. It will eat you up or you will errupt. Find a way to talk to your wife.

But before that understand yourself.Some what atleast. Not easy, i grant you. But just to yourself be honest see Is your anger bcos of some self esteem issue ? Does it make you feel powerful that you can be angry with her? Sort of like you are in more control? Does the thought of hitting your wife makes you feel victorious? Because only if you understand yourself, especially your weakness, you can put things in perspective. You have to understand yourself and accept yourself first and also your partner. As is.

It helps to remember is you are one entity. Whatever you do , the impact is to "US" ( i mean the both of you) and what ever she does the impact is to "US" . So no matter who does what amoung you, it is the " US" that gets affected.

Relationships are complex , and the dynamics in there is not clear even to the people concerned. Trust in God and in your relation and on yourself and your spouse. Above all.
It will work out one day. May not be in a magical way or overnight . But in a tiny steps. :xedfingers:


( your nick always reminds me of work :laugh: )
Last edited by Sun_2010 on Thu Feb 28, 2013 3:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby Joule » Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:46 pm

Not that I know the actual issues. But one thing is for sure you have some underlying resentment against your wife. And resentment is corrisive. It will eat you up or you will errupt. Find a way to talk to your wife.


At my wits end a few days ago. Someday will find. Need to relax a bit first. Don't really want to risk another 'engagement' so soon. I will yell.

But before that understand yourself.Some what atleast. Not easy, i grant you. But just to yourself be honest see Is your anger bcos of some self esteem issue ? Does it make you feel powerful that you can be angry with her? Sort of like you are in more control? Does the thought of hitting your wife makes you feel victorious?


Could be self esteem issue. But it's more like, I always lose in arguments and quarrels. I am always the one bearing the brunt of being 'not good enough'. When 'she' do things that upset me, I keep quiet and when I express it, I 'lose' so I want to win by ....you know....doing the unmentionable. Why must I always be the silent one and be subject of your criticism? I am not some useless fellow, I have survived pretty ok not doing by 'your' standards. Previously it is bad to the point where from 1 conflict, I am now feeling the intensity of 3 -4 of the previous conflicts which stem from the same root cause, because I either did not reply (stonewall) or replied but got shot down!

Because only if you understand yourself, especially your weakness, you can put things in perspective. You have to understand yourself and accept yourself first and also your partner. As is.

This point I will think about it some more.

It helps to remember is you are one entity. Whatever you do , the impact is to "US" ( i mean the both of you) and what ever she does the impact is to "US" . So no matter who does what amoung you, it is the " US" that gets affected.

Finally....yes. At least someone here does not think in terms of only win-lose.

Relationships are complex , and the dynamics in there is not clear even to the people concerned. Trust in God and in your relation and on yourself and your spouse. Above all.

God says I am not dead yet.

It will work out one day. May not be in a magical way or overnight . But in a tiny steps. :xedfingers:

It's not a big problem as of yet but it has the potential to be. E.g. I don't even wish to speak to her.

Its generally ok. We had cooling off period and low level conversation for the past few days. Less talk, sometimes better. This is a temporary thing. We don't get quarrels everyday. Technically we don't have quarrels since it is only 1 party potentially raising voice.

Thank you for concern.

Joule
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Re: don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby Joule » Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:49 pm

cherrygal wrote:----


I sort of saw your post and remembered the gist of it. Thanks for the concern.

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Re: don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby Joule » Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:51 pm

ammonite wrote:- deleted -


yes, she is managerial, very left brain dominant, works on things like facts and figures and emails a lot

I work in a job where I have to deal with coordination and people and all sorts of vendors and customers and miscellaneous things so my brain a bit more 'right'

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Re: don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby lasery2k » Mon Feb 25, 2013 10:30 am

joule,

yr situation is like what had happen between mi n my hub..but we ended up he exploded n had a affair...so it's not good in the long long run...we only manage to survive 2 yrs plus towards 3 yrs and i really salute yr patience towards yr wife..

for my case..i m like yr wife and u are like my hub...

i always set standards and push him to the limits and wanted him to "FOLLOW MY WAY" of doing things..yet when he "GIVE OPINIONS" n try to get to a mid point or try to get mi to view it in another point of view..i will "IGNORE" and insist what is say is "CORRECT"...

i guess what i state above does makes u sound very familar..

a very good example i can quote is:

mi: i wanna put son at this particular church kindergarden coz i saw good reviews of it online and he would excel there"
him: is it really a need to put him in such a expensive school while PCF or other cheaper school is also as good?
mi: but it's near to our hse, n the PCF standard is poor. the teachers - students ratio also high, the near by gt construction n i scared gt alot of mozzies later sting him"
him: u are sending him to sch to learn independance right, so teachers - students ratio higher it's also better for him to learn"
mi: i already make appt with the school liao, u make yrself free on that day then we go down see then decide"
him: ........

does tt sounds very familar to u? lolx

some 2cents worth from my view..

you should really seat her down n ask her to listern what you had got to say abt yr unpleasantness and also how u felt abt what she is doing...wheneva she tries to interupt...quiet her dwn n ask her to let you finish yr talking before she tried to defend yrself again...

after the affair thingy then i found out infront of my husband, there's not a need to boss him around like my subs. he's my hub n he needed my support n respect his decisions too. i should step out of my circle n look in his point of view too and listern to what he got to say be4 i make any final decisions...

good luck and don't bottle up le..it's not good for the relationship at all..

alternatively u can find a gd friend which can talk to her n convey the message to her also.

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Re: don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby Joule » Mon Feb 25, 2013 11:46 am

yr situation is like what had happen between mi n my hub..but we ended up he exploded n had a affair...so it's not good in the long long run...we only manage to survive 2 yrs plus towards 3 yrs and i really salute yr patience towards yr wife..

You are divorced? I am sorry to hear that. However, I think man having 3rd party relationship is not acceptable.

i always set standards and push him to the limits and wanted him to "FOLLOW MY WAY" of doing things..yet when he "GIVE OPINIONS" n try to get to a mid point or try to get mi to view it in another point of view..i will "IGNORE" and insist what is say is "CORRECT"...


Actually wife is more reasonable than that....when it comes to 'neutral' things. When facing criticism, pwah....

a very good example i can quote is:

mi: i wanna put son at this particular church kindergarden coz i saw good reviews of it online and he would excel there"
him: is it really a need to put him in such a expensive school while PCF or other cheaper school is also as good?
mi: but it's near to our hse, n the PCF standard is poor. the teachers - students ratio also high, the near by gt construction n i scared gt alot of mozzies later sting him"
him: u are sending him to sch to learn independance right, so teachers - students ratio higher it's also better for him to learn"
mi: i already make appt with the school liao, u make yrself free on that day then we go down see then decide"
him: ........

yes. It is like, you decide already then ask me for what. minus emotional points from emotional bank acct.

after the affair thingy then i found out infront of my husband, there's not a need to boss him around like my subs. he's my hub n he needed my support n respect his decisions too. i should step out of my circle n look in his point of view too and listern to what he got to say be4 i make any final decisions...


you sort of made the point that many men in SG face. but I think in the context of a traditional marriage, husband should make the final decision. But having said that, a lot of wives say they don't give the husband 'face'. There was one obnoxious case of my wife's friend criticizing how 'stupid' her husband is when they met for dinner. Some wives have a sick thrill out of it. I know where this thrill comes from.

My advice to women out there is; don't do it. Dont keep putting down your partner. You may feel like a winner now, but it will come back to bite you later.....sometimes, it will bite VERY hard. Sometimes, the damage is irreversible.


good luck and don't bottle up le..it's not good for the relationship at all..

I cope by having hobbies and stuff. Already tried to express nicely. Next stage upward is bang table and raise voice, you know?

I think EMA is unacceptable though, but I can sort of understand how it happens.

Joule
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Re: don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby cherrygal » Mon Feb 25, 2013 12:21 pm

well well... :shrug:
Last edited by cherrygal on Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby Joule » Mon Feb 25, 2013 12:48 pm

cherrygal wrote:Thanks for reading Joule... :)

I am sure you married a woman who is very smart, capable and interesting. That's precisely the reason why you are now in this situation coz she wants to be smarter than you, more capable than you and more interesting than you.

And what's wrong with that? This need not be a competition to see who's smarter. A good leader (you), should recognize her abilities and use them in the right places so that you need not spend so much time doing those things. In management speak, a good manager is efficient only if he knows how to delegate. You are not a manager if you end up doing all the work.

Ask yourself. Do you want a wife who can help you, or a wife who is a ditz but makes you feel important?

The only obstacle here is that your wife needs to know she can present her argument but she cannot add personal insults that hurt. No hitting below the belt. Make sure she knows the rules.

And there is a Chinese saying 大智若愚 which means the smartest person is the one who ACTS incapable. What's there to lose?


I don't think you get it at all. Nope.

My problem stems from the lack of communication with wife with regards to criticism and negative feedback. Rather, I am trying to do what those relationship books say and 'talk' it out.

E.g. When I say "I am really unhappy when you criticize me in front of the maid and children"

The appreciated answer is:
"I'm sorry, I will take note and change....blah blah"

The gotten answer is....well, you can guess what the answer is.

Do you get it? No?

Likewise, I wrote as a rant that I have a high failure rate of communicating with wife with regards to negative feedback....and you have highlighting things like wife being interesting, capable and smart.

Are you my wife? The way you fail to 'get it' is very similar. I must make a note to see if she has a ksp account.

Ask yourself. Do you want a wife who can help you, or a wife who is a ditz but makes you feel important?

You know, I am not lying but I speak for many men and sometimes men don't mind a certain amount of ditziness around as long as they make them feel important...once in a while.

Joule
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Re: don't really know how to talk to wife

Postby TheAnswer » Mon Feb 25, 2013 1:08 pm

Hi Joule,
I think I get what you mean. My DH used to say nasty things when we have our arguements. I realized it was because I was previously critical of him when he refuses to take my advice.
I take on a different approach now. A more gentle and loving tone when I talk to him regarding any issues. The things I dislike or disagree with I still do put across but in a more positive tone.
He told me that only if he ask for advise then I give my take on the issue. He can't take stress well. If too stressed up, he tends to retreat and become silent.
I earn more than DH also. Sometimes he gets uptight with the issue especially when he is in between jobs/upgrading. I counter that by telling him positive things/lots of encouragement.
If I am not wrong, anger is burning you up. I suggest you share your thoughts in a loving letter to your wife.
Love can counter all issues.

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