KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

As our work takes us away from our "homeground" whether by choice or not, just wanted to start this thread for people in similar situation; and possibly to offer support.

To start us off, could you share your circumstance and how you're coping with this? Any pointers too, for the rest of us suffering ones.

Thanks in advance,
Andaiz

because of the 'married with kids' status, i believe my husband has been denied overseas posting. i am hoping that his coy can overcome this hurdle as i don't mind being a part-time 'single' parent (maybe cos i'm a sahm) if it is for the good of his career.

Thanks, jeda.

Both DH and I are based here but sometimes there's heavy travelling on his part (conferences, teaching etc) and his working hours are quite erratic so I'm almost always the single parent here.

My DDs are naturally closer to me coz we spend a lot more time together than with DH. Of course that means not going out with friends etc outside of office hours (must creatively find ways to lunch or take leave etc just to catch up lah) and I don't think it's a sacrifice .

Just that sometimes, I'd feel as if I'm the only one making the decision

Andaiz wrote: My DDs are naturally closer to me coz we spend a lot more time together than with DH. Of course that means not going out with friends etc outside of office hours (must creatively find ways to lunch or take leave etc just to catch up lah) and I don't think it's a sacrifice .

Just that sometimes, I'd feel as if I'm the only one making the decision

FTWM has the shorter end of the stick as compared to SAHM cos have to juggle workstress too.

Whenever i share with my husband on my sons' happenings, he'll be envious that i am the one experiencing it and at least take heart that at least one of us is around to witness their growing up years.

Even when my husband is not outstation, i do most of the decision making too (my husband will say unless it involves him ie PV issues, i should make all the decisions). Because his main task is chauffeuring duties I feel the strain when his Saturdays were burnt (be it the occasional outstation or the monthly work commitment) leaving me to send/fetch ds1 on his enrichments bringing ds2 along..on public transport, lugging a full battle gear (including swimwear, enrichment bag, milk ration for the day etc)...half a day out reaching home 8pm+ with aches all over during the first day (that together with ds2's 'exercise regime' for me, i lost 4kg over 1.5mths ) . I learnt to appreciate that parenting is a 2 person activity and take heart that my ILs are helping in other aspects.

When is the last time i meet up with my friends without my kids/dh tagging along?.....can't remember....but probably since i last worked bah....3 yrs ago?

I guess it is pretty common for most FTWM, well at least from what I see from my circle of frens.

One of the reason why I quit my job to start my own business was bcos of the travelling and long hours as well. I tried to get a transfer but every opportunity that opens up for me within the organisation requires me to travel. Same goes of external opportunties. Headhunters keep pitching me for the same type of role and scope cos it is an easy sell. My boss at that time was good enuf to ease my schedule cos he knows that DH also travels pretty extensively in his job. But given the nature of my job and the competitiveness of the industry, I will become a non performer if I keep cutting back my travelling. So in the end, with the blessings of my boss, we worked out a package and I left to start my own business.

These days, DH still travels a fair bit. Even if he is not travelling, he will be home only after 8pm so I am still pretty much handling most stuff by myself. And I am the one making all the decisions regarding the kids and the household. Even if I were to ask DH, his answer will always be up to you loh. I am lucky to have a very good helper who takes care of most of the chores at home and is wonderful with the kids as well. That gives me some breathing space in the evening when I need it. And I am also a golf widow most Saturdays so yup I do get the feeling that I am a single parent.

There were a few times when DH had the opportunity to venture overseas. Mainly China. We could not see eye to eye on that. Not because I didn't want him to go, I am all for it. But I did not think I would want to uproot my family to go with him. Here, I have all the support network in the form of my family and frens. In China, I will be all alone. And the opportunity cost is way too high. In the end, he decided to give up that opportunity as he feels that the family should not be apart.

The best gift a Dad can give to his kids is to love their Mum (ie the best gift is not really to spend time with them, k? )

So long the dad loves the mum, it makes the difference between 'sometimes' single parenting and a permanent one. So long the dad loves the mum, the mum will not hold grudges about making all the decisions to keep the mechanism of daily life working in order.

I was a single mum for almost half a year when my hubby was studying overseas last year.

I have 2 tods and was pregnant with number 3 then and a FTWM. It was tougher than tough. Circumstances led to it as we did not expect his application to be approved so soon, and then we discovered the pregnancy as well.

We made the painful decision that I should be able to cope with support of maids, parents and parents in laws. The plan was for us to join him after the birth. It was either that or for him to defer the study and for all of us to move over after the delivery, but for that we have to spend a year overseas. I was not confident that we could cope with 3 kids for a whole year overseas without support, so I would rather only spend half a year aborad and the other half with me as Single mum in SG.

We planned as well as we could but we forgot things that could go wrong such as the kids taking turn to fall sick, or my maid quitting one us. When the flu virus struck, I had to bring them to doc, wake in the middle of night to monitor the temperatures and feed the meds, and deal with the really cranky kids who were unwell. For the daily mundane things, I will make the decisions, but we are so used to talking over decisions that I will always consult him via skype on the major stuff involving kids, maids etc.

it was the first time I went for the monthly gynae check up alone to look at progress of baby. It was v lonely and I felt really lousy. It got worst when I had to monitor my glusoce level and had to do 3 blood tests a day during the last stage of my pregnancy. It was downright depressssing, given all that in the context of a FTWM.

It was really not a pleasant experience. In the past, when either of us travelled, we tried to make sure that one of us will be with the kids. I travelled more than hubby then for work, so hubby is also v adapt at single parenting. He has always been very involved with the kids so I really felt the strain when I was a single parent for the whole half of the year.i had to play his role in addition to my own.

It was then that I changed my mind about single parenthood. I realised that wholesome parenting do require the efforts and time of 2 persons. It is very tough playing mum and dad to the kids. You need to have the energy to play with them like dad does, bring them out to do the boys stuff on weekends, and nuture them like a mummy the rest of the times, and then there are lots of other administrative things (school, transport etc).

i am just glad that those times are over. And I won't ever make such a decision again. Short work trips are fine, but no extensive single parenting anymore. It is not easy and I felt so inadequate all the time.

Now we are making up for lost time as a whole familly abroad, and the kids really want to have papa and mummy with them at the same time. At least that's what they told me hahahah!

jedamum wrote:because of the 'married with kids' status, i believe my husband has been denied overseas posting. i am hoping that his coy can overcome this hurdle as i don't mind being a part-time 'single' parent (maybe cos i'm a sahm) if it is for the good of his career.

I know how your situation is..It is tough to be a single parent.. But your kids may miss him a lot ..why don't you to think once before taking a decision because kids need both the parents.

Been a single parent since dd was born. Dh based overseas. Used to have a maid initially but managing solo for the past 7yrs now. There is some anger and frustration on my part sometimes cos I've to do everything but when dh is back, it doesn't get better.

i used to complain to my dh that i feel like a single mum on weekdays mainly becos my dd hardly sees him around on weekdays. he's out before she's awake and she's asleep b4 he comes home. dh is what people call a "workaholic" but i know he's really passionate abt his work that's y he can put in the hours he does. in a way, i'm glad he loves his job cos its sad when people hate their work. he makes up for it on weekends cos he's always driving us around for enrichment classes, shopping, visits to the parents etc. i take care of the housework and the meals for dd after work so can feel overwhelming at times...but reading abt other parents' single parent experience, mine pales in comparison...