Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby CarrotTree » Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:38 pm

I am currently taking care of my both very elderly mum and dad who stay with my family. Both have many health issues and yet refuse to have maids especially my mum who is so domineering, and keeps complaining of the same issues repeatedly every day.
On top of my partime job , I have to juggle with 3 teenage kids and housework and all the medical appts. Feel so stressed and loss my tempers too. Siblings are not supportive and I have tried to raise to my parents that I am trying to cope with so much without any help, so perhaps need to give me space to vent my frustrations or rotate to stay with my other siblings during the weekends so that I can take a short break ( even domestic helper have 1 day break). Mum is now accusing me of kicking her out of the house.

I feel so helpless and unjustified. Sometimes I feel that elderly folks also need to understand why we need the space and perhaps be easy with things and not be picky with food, housework etc
Any suggestion anyone

CarrotTree
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Re: Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby Sun_2010 » Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:14 pm

CarrotTree wrote:I am currently taking care of my both very elderly mum and dad who stay with my family. Both have many health issues and yet refuse to have maids especially my mum who is so domineering, and keeps complaining of the same issues repeatedly every day.
On top of my partime job , I have to juggle with 3 teenage kids and housework and all the medical appts. Feel so stressed and loss my tempers too. Siblings are not supportive and I have tried to raise to my parents that I am trying to cope with so much without any help, so perhaps need to give me space to vent my frustrations or rotate to stay with my other siblings during the weekends so that I can take a short break ( even domestic helper have 1 day break). Mum is now accusing me of kicking her out of the house.

I feel so helpless and unjustified. Sometimes I feel that elderly folks also need to understand why we need the space and perhaps be easy with things and not be picky with food, housework etc
Any suggestion anyone



It must be tough! :hugs:
You must be a strong woman. Hang in there.

. Taking care of yourself is also your responsibility. It would be ideal if our parents understand our needs. But doesnt happen all the time. Sometimes their nature, habits and often insecurities make them act a little selfish. All said deep within they must be happy they have such a filial daughter like you.

Talk to your siblings and explain your situation. Try to not make them feel "I am doing so much , can't you do this for our parents" . once you have their ok, talk to your parents - Handling dominating people is not easy. But Sometimes it is necessary to be firm. Be strong and Don't ask them for permission. Just tell them you love them and respect them , but this is something you must do.

Hope things work out for you. Hang in there .
And when you feel down, do come here and share. It will feel good to get it off your chest.

Sun_2010
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Re: Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby popireis » Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:53 pm

They refuse to have maids look after them or simply refuse maids in the house? Possible to say maid is help u do housework, cook, but u will still be the one tending to their needs? Not sure if its becos they scared w maid, u will not tend to them anymore and leave them to the maid instead. Old folks sometimes hv this weird mentality that we are throwing them to the maid. They didn't think we are also doing the same to our kids, esp if we are working. Is that what we desire, prob not, rather is a no choice issue.

I can understand ur pain cos my mum is also difficult. She refuses subsidized treatment and only want to see pte doctor, go pte hosp. She refuses all my other siblings' offer to bring her for her appts and always call me. I am working full time with 2 pri sch kids so i cannot always take leave to accompany her to the doc/therapist which can be as frequent as 2-3 times/week. The high frequency is not becos of more appts but is becos she complains of the same issue everyday, no patience to follow thru her medication and if the pain/discomfort do not disappear by the next day she will insist to go and see another doc. And she only wants to travel to the doc in comfort.

I hv to many times reject her requests for me to "rush" down to the doc/hosp immed when she called me in the office, and she was already at the doc/hosp. She will wail, yes, wail, in the phone when asking me to go down to the doc/hosp NOW. I get very frustrated and can very well be the nx person to wail in frustration/despair. She does not understand why i cannot appear immed or as and when she summons me, why i cannot take leave, in the middle of work.

Sorry, doesn't mean to complain, but it just came out....

popireis
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Re: Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby sembgal » Sat Apr 27, 2013 12:28 am

I would like to suggest that you go to this website http://www.awwa.org.sg/
You can request for a copy of "A Handbook for Caregivers" developed by AWWA Centre for Caregivers.
For support: Contact Caregivers Infoline 1800-2992992

sembgal
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Re: Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby sembgal » Sat Apr 27, 2013 12:31 am

sembgal wrote:I would like to suggest that you go to this website http://www.awwa.org.sg/
You can request for a copy of "A Handbook for Caregivers" developed by AWWA Centre for Caregivers.
For support: Contact Caregivers Infoline 1800-2992992

Direct link to the handbook: http://www.awwa.org.sg/index.php?option ... &Itemid=23

sembgal
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Re: Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby CarrotTree » Sat Apr 27, 2013 8:26 am

Thanks for all the encouragment and sharing.
Also wanted to have an outlet to pour out.
Mum is too picky with simply everything, perfectionist herself so thing cannot be done by anyone except herself... down to cooking, washing clothes, housework. Fiction tend to arise when there is a helper, we had to use partime helper to do only limited areas and chores.
My siblings avoid by staying away, not talking about serious issues ( such as medical issues) and even when i raise it that help is needed, it just dont come. So parents did not want to offend them by not asking them to do anything because even they were to buy certain things its not to their liking..
Have tried calling hotline, but I think this has no solution.

Sometime I feel so frustrated that I just quarrel with my parents pointing out to them their difficulties and their burden. Its bad to do this to them, but I feel that when they are so familiar to me, they tend to go overboard

CarrotTree
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Re: Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby ammonite » Sat Apr 27, 2013 8:47 am

My mum is like that too -perfectionistic and critical. Fortunately the pressure has lessened somewhat as she gets involved in different activities. Can your teenagers help take some pressure off? Eg take them for a walk in the evening? or take them for a foot massage nearby.

Sometimes old folks complain because they are bored and generally dissatisfied with their condition in life (physical discomfort, fear of dying, feel useless, early dementia etc). Having a hobby can help them cope much better as well.

ammonite
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Re: Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby ammonite » Sat Apr 27, 2013 8:49 am

popireis wrote:
. She will wail, yes, wail, in the phone when asking me to go down to the doc/hosp NOW. ....


Aiyoh...very cham like that... :scared:

ammonite
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Re: Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby popireis » Sat Apr 27, 2013 9:08 am

ammonite wrote:
popireis wrote:
. She will wail, yes, wail, in the phone when asking me to go down to the doc/hosp NOW. ....


Aiyoh...very cham like that... :scared:


Yes, so much so that I hv a phobia to ans her calls. She dun realize e more sticky she is, the more she is pushing us away.... :sad:

popireis
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Re: Stresful as caregivers to elderly parents

Postby wiimum » Sat Apr 27, 2013 10:15 am

Yes what is discussed here strikes a chord in my heart. I remember my Dad in his last few years seems to be really difficult to handle. It is like he has become a child, has temper tantrums and is quite hard to please. Looking back, I am thinking could it be our parents are going through some emotional turmoils that they themselves may be unaware and not able to communicate to us? Like they may have fears/worries about impending death, increasing disabilities that make them feel insecure etc. It was not so for my mum, but for my Dad, I feel he seems a changed person in his old age.
I remember having to grit my teeth and bearing with it. I try to think of it as doing my part in return for what they have done for me in the past and it feels better that way.

Hugs to you both, CarrotTree and Popireis. Do come it here often to share and vent!

wiimum
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