Insecure Mummy

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

Insecure Mummy

Postby M3 » Fri Sep 25, 2009 10:43 pm

My kid is 13 months old and is taken care of by my MIL. Not a choice I want to make.

I am jealous when my kid will go to my MIL in the midst when I am playing with her like to show her something I gave her.

I am very scared that my kid will be closer to my MIL than me.

I want to be a stay home mum but I cannot as my hub doesn't earn much.

I always leave work early so that I can spend at least 4 hours with my kid before she sleeps. I spend all my weekends with her from morning till night.

I don't go out with my friends without my kid. I am with her 24/7 except when I am at work. I play with her, read to her, take walks with her, swim etc. I research on how to educate her and plan all the play we can in a day.

But I feel threatened by my MIL because whenever I am playing with my kid she will call her name, distract her etc so that my kid will walk to her.

And my kid has this habit of standing in between my MIL's legs while watching TV like how she will always sit on my lap when she wants me to read to her.

Can anyone tell me if my kid's behaviour does show that she is closer to my MIL than me? :cry:

I really work very hard to bond with my gal.

M3
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Postby Luvkid » Sun Sep 27, 2009 2:29 am

Hi M3,

Dun be dis hearted. Dun give up. Dun forget that the bond between a mother and child was already built normally 10 months ahead ANYONE else. Continue to shower yr love to yr child, yr child will understand one day..... :love: Be positive!!

Cheers,

Luvkid
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Postby radiantmum » Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:12 am

Hi M3,

I had the same kind of jealousy with my maid earlier. But guess what, it really doesn't matter the amount of time spent with the kid. It's the quality time that counts and most importantly I realise it's true that NOBODY can replace mother-and-child bond, literally - I am still the most important person to my kid though he had spent more time with parents-in-law and maid ;-p

I guess it's the stage that all new mothers go through. JIA YOU !

radiantmum
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Postby heutistmeintag » Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:26 am

M3, pardon me for saying something insensitive but I think realistic. Hope you dun mind me saying this.

Our children at certain parts of their lives will have somebody equally important and sometimes more important (than parents can accept) to them. Friends during teens, husband when married, children when they are parents .etc. We as parents have to accept these realities and as much as we love them, loving them doesnt mean we possess them. They are free to love someone else too.

Perhaps your MIL is not aware of or sensitive to your insecurity, when you are bonding with your child. You are already spending lotsa time with your child and if you feel that you need more, you can always do so in the privacy of your bedroom(s).

Last but not least, dont wrap your life around the child. The child could grow up lacking independence, clingy and self-centre. Just let go abit and enjoy their childhood when they are young. Stay positive!

heutistmeintag
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Postby westmom » Sun Sep 27, 2009 6:02 pm

Dear M3

I understand your feelings as I went through the same emotions more than 10 years ago. I was (and still am) working and every available time, I ensured I spent with my dd. I was fortunate to get a top class (meaning take cares of baby/toddlers/hse very well) and I had no worries about the childcare, house nor any issues with maid. The downside was that my dd was more attached to the maid than me. As a new mother, I was sort of "jealous" at first ...wah after so much love showered on her...still prefers the "maid" whoa...But I tell myself to be objective about the situation...I comforted myself with the knowledge that my dd was in good care and the fact that she prefers my maid means she is not being abused. Also, I need to work so there was no other choice. I told myself that it was not anyone's fault that the child is closer to a caregiver but I created this circumstance myself because I chose to continue to work. The jealousy went away when replaced with such rational thoughts. I continue to ensure I spent quality time with dd whenever I could. When she was about 3yrs or more...i realised that the "attention" shifted more to me..and she became closer and closer to me as time progress. So don't worry but continue to find chance to "bond" with kid and don't get overly concerned about "who" the child is closer to, just be thankful that you have some one you can trust (MIL) to look after your child...

westmom
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Postby M3 » Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:05 pm

radiantmum wrote:Hi M3,

I had the same kind of jealousy with my maid earlier. But guess what, it really doesn't matter the amount of time spent with the kid. It's the quality time that counts and most importantly I realise it's true that NOBODY can replace mother-and-child bond, literally - I am still the most important person to my kid though he had spent more time with parents-in-law and maid ;-p

I guess it's the stage that all new mothers go through. JIA YOU !


Thanks radiantmum, I keep telling myself that too. I will continue to Jia You

M3
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Postby M3 » Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:11 pm

heutistmeintag wrote:M3, pardon me for saying something insensitive but I think realistic. Hope you dun mind me saying this.

Our children at certain parts of their lives will have somebody equally important and sometimes more important (than parents can accept) to them. Friends during teens, husband when married, children when they are parents .etc. We as parents have to accept these realities and as much as we love them, loving them doesnt mean we possess them. They are free to love someone else too.

Perhaps your MIL is not aware of or sensitive to your insecurity, when you are bonding with your child. You are already spending lotsa time with your child and if you feel that you need more, you can always do so in the privacy of your bedroom(s).

Last but not least, dont wrap your life around the child. The child could grow up lacking independence, clingy and self-centre. Just let go abit and enjoy their childhood when they are young. Stay positive!


Thank you for your advice. I understand the part about who are the people important to the kids at different stage of life. I don't want to possess my kids. Perhaps I am not enjoying a good relationship with my mil and that made everything worse. My mil always tells me what to do and I never defied her. So I thought I would gradually lose my kid to her.

I am not worried my kid being dependent. Because everyone who interacts with my gal says she is so independent. She never clings on to me, dad or grandma even in a foreign environment. She just go about exploring the place on her own. Guess that is also what made me doubt if I am spending enough time with her because other kids tend to cling on to their mummies. :) I think I think too much.

M3
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Postby M3 » Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:12 pm

westmom wrote:Dear M3

I understand your feelings as I went through the same emotions more than 10 years ago. I was (and still am) working and every available time, I ensured I spent with my dd. I was fortunate to get a top class (meaning take cares of baby/toddlers/hse very well) and I had no worries about the childcare, house nor any issues with maid. The downside was that my dd was more attached to the maid than me. As a new mother, I was sort of "jealous" at first ...wah after so much love showered on her...still prefers the "maid" whoa...But I tell myself to be objective about the situation...I comforted myself with the knowledge that my dd was in good care and the fact that she prefers my maid means she is not being abused. Also, I need to work so there was no other choice. I told myself that it was not anyone's fault that the child is closer to a caregiver but I created this circumstance myself because I chose to continue to work. The jealousy went away when replaced with such rational thoughts. I continue to ensure I spent quality time with dd whenever I could. When she was about 3yrs or more...i realised that the "attention" shifted more to me..and she became closer and closer to me as time progress. So don't worry but continue to find chance to "bond" with kid and don't get overly concerned about "who" the child is closer to, just be thankful that you have some one you can trust (MIL) to look after your child...


Thanks for your note. It's very encouraging. I will work towards bonding with my dd.

M3
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Postby daisyt » Thu Oct 01, 2009 10:14 am

Hi M3, no need to worry because eventually, the kid would know who is his mum and the defination of mum. My girl was taken care by my mum since born till 5yo. During that time, she was very attached to my mum. When she was sick, she would look for my mum, not me. I was silly like you, jealous and sad. Situation changed when she started schooling (K1 onwards). I guess because in school, they are being taught about family members, grandparents, father, mother and so on. Then they would talk with their classmates about family and very naturally, they get to understand the difference between grandma and mum. Of course, I am very involved in her growing cycle, school life, friends, outings with school, hobby etc.

Jia you and keep bonding ! :D

daisyt
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Postby Bowie » Thu Oct 01, 2009 11:03 am

Congrats M3!

Being independent and like to explore places by herself is a good sign that ur gal is developing to a CONFIDENT Kid!!! This is very important for our kids development and usually they are able to be like this because they are shower with sufficient (I really mean sufficient and not over or under dosage) LOVE and CARE.

A baby need the love of all people, especially the caregivers in order to blossom. Don't feel jeolous in fact u should be thankful that ur in laws are willing to take care for u ur gal. Imagine some parents who have no such fortune have to leave their kids to childcare or maids....

My gal is with my in laws for weekdays cos we stayed too far away and its inconvenient to rush across the island everyday to bring her to her school. (Her sch is near my in laws so that they can fetch her when her class is over) But we play with her every evening after work and bring her home every weekend. We bring her every week to my mother's place too so that she will meet up with her uncles, aunties, my parents etc... We do all these becos we are strong believers that kids grow well in an environment fill with LOVE.

We want her to love everyone and everyone to love her. Don't feel bad. Love is unlimited. And I believe every kid always have a special position for their mommy and daddy. :love:

Bowie
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