Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby Mummybaby » Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:53 am

Hi,

Recently, I found out that my dh is love with another woman which is his coworker. We have a two yr old child and I have tried to save this marriage for the sake of my child. I find it very mentally exhausting and having been thinking of divorcing everyday.

I have found out they went clubbing, massaging, shopping not to mention countless dinners just the two of them etc. He began to spend less and less time at home and comes back at 1-2am few times a week! We quarreled almost everyday. He told me it's none of my business because it's company event! I also found a msg on his hp that he was heartbroken cos his coworker does not want to lunch with him one day and he also bought her many expensive gifts. He was wondering what he is done wrong! He felt so rejected! They also sms each other late at night and kept his hp by his side all the time! My dh attitude towards us changed drastically for the last six months.

Every time I mentioned about this issue, he would verbally attacked me and ask me to file for divorce to stop me from further questioning him and escaped by not answering to my questions. He told me he now wants to do things to please himself only. Even worse now, he has been missing on weekends and could hardly contact him.

I have seek counseling as well as getting lawyer's advice. But the thought of being a single parent scares me and not sure of the financial situation we are in after divorce. I am not mentally prepared for divorce yet but at the same time not been eating or sleeping well recently. Whenever I looked at my toddler, my heart is broken. I wish I do not have to give her a broken home. I really do not know what to do now.

Mummybaby
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Re: Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby Harlequin » Thu Sep 19, 2013 8:37 am

Hi, there.

My regards.

From what you wrote you don't seemed to be in rage, you must be really sad and helpless. Though you offered little details, but I think you are a pragmatic girl that you've been thinking it through.

Not that I have much advice to offer, nonetheless, i shall get straight to the point... If you could helped it, don't call/text him when he is out, don't question/quarrel with him when his home, I know it's really hard, but please try... by doing so he will not have excuses to accuse you, put the blame on you for starting the fight.

If you want him to talk, the first thing is making him willing; but if he is always getting excuse/opportunity to "repay" your "disruptive" tacts, there'll be no time that he is willing to even listen to you. Disruptive to him is, he finds your yearning for him, calling, texting, probing, waiting etc is disruptive, cos he feels that he is obligated to answer you, or offer you answers... so, you find that he started to switch off his phone and remain uncontactable.... or at the end, he is driven to seek for a divorce.


The hardest thing is to sit tight and wait, wait for him to realized that you are no longer after him for every answers etc. It may take a few months to a year, most of the women gave up instead, the feeling of frustration not knowing if he ever appreciate, the fear of "am I doing the right thing or am I actually letting him have his field day" etc etc will get you so down that you find yourself picking up the phone and dial his number again...

If you succeeded in this stage one, there is a chance that both of you can talk... I know it sounds bleak, but if divorce is not your option, than you have to lun 忍. Or it will be 吵到离婚的那一天,only that it drags on for so long that you feel less pain, that's all; it won't change the outcome.

Since your daughter is only 2yo, I supposed you are quite young, you may want to ask yourself this, is this the best you can do for yourself -- save the marriage? Ask yourself as often as possible, when you are sad and in fear, when you are up and happy etc... Write your answers down with the date and time, you'll know yourself better after a few months...

Do come back here to let us know how's the going...

My best wishes :hugs:

Harlequin
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Re: Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby vinegar » Thu Sep 19, 2013 8:51 am

Agree with Harlequin. I am doing exactly what Harlequin mentioned. Don't call, don't ask,don't bother.Just focus on myself n my kids.

vinegar
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Re: Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby ngl2010 » Thu Sep 19, 2013 9:29 am

Hi mummybaby,

I have the impression that you still want to save the marriage no matter what he'd done. Let's work towards that. I'm going to give you some advice but please don't get angry or hurt.

First of all, when he comes home, meet him at the door. Give him your brightest smile. You must look very happy to see him. Teach your daughter to do the same thing. Teach her to hug the daddy and welcome him as if he is a hero. Teach her to bring in daddy's bag while you get drink for your husband. If you do that everyday, it will become a habit to you and your daughter. Last time my mother-in-law came to our house everyday to care for our son while I was working. My husband told me he dreaded going home before I arrived home because his mother will start complaining the moment he steps into the house.

Second, do whatever you did when you were dating e.g. wear nice dress, put on make up, smell nice, laugh at his jokes, sympathize with him if he complains about his work, give him full attention, put him in higher priority than your daughter, etc. You are competing with another woman that is still in dating phase with your husband so you have to look and act the best.

Third, forget about arguing with your husband at this moment. Your objective now is to make him think twice what he is giving up if he continues the affair with the other woman. So, don't argue with your husband. Everytime you get angry with your husband, think of your daughter and control your anger. He should have the impression he has a perfect family so it is hard to give up the marriage.

I hope these advice can help you.

:snuggles:

ngl2010
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Re: Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby cfan » Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:17 am

I know how you feel.

I have totally given up on asking him anything or trying to "save" whatever.
My only focus now is on my kids. My kids need me more than we need him.

Live your life to the fullest!

Do not despair because of his immaturity or irresponsibility.

If he can "wake" up one day, that will be the best. If he can't, so be it.
If you want to be with him because you think it is worth it, do all the positive things and try your very best. If you have done your very best, so be it.

Always remember that someone still loves you.

Wish you all the best.

:hugs: :hugs:

cfan
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Re: Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby Javier Javis Mummy » Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:27 am

Mummybaby,

If you need someone to talk, you can always share with us. My kids are just about the same age as yours. if you are bored or feel stress up, we can bring the kids out together and you will not be too stress. email me and we can be friends. Cheer up! enxuan@rocketmail.com

Javier Javis Mummy
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Re: Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby ammonite » Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:40 am

Mummybaby,

I cannot agree with trying to "compete" with a new lover - there will always be another and another. There is a whole world of nest raiders out there, you cannot be fending them off forever.

But yes, you must take care of yourself. For yourself and those who care about you.

We live for those whom we love and who care about us. If his heart has turned away, you must cut him off mentally and live your own life with dignity while you consider your priorities. DO NOT GROVEL, PLEAD or BEG. No way I am going to laugh at his jokes. What he did was WRONG, DISLOYAL and a low blow below the belt.

You don't have to quarrel with him, but neither do you need to go to the other extreme. The more you try to please him now, the more he will feel entitled to his behavior. You must draw the line firmly and politely. Be the adult even if he cannot be one right now.

Put your finances in order, keep a record of proof of infidelity. If you are not working, look into part time options and start looking for a childcare center for your child and put on waiting list.

Give yourself at least six months to get things in order, and three years to process things emotionally. You don't have to rush your feelings, but everyday life needs to go on, especially with a two year old. Put your time and energy into your daughter and those who do care about you. Celebrate festivals, go for excursions, do things that make you happy.

Take care of yourself and your daughter and trust that things will work out eventually for the best if you do that. it may not be what you want right now, but it can still work out for the best in the end.

ammonite
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Re: Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby Mummybaby » Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:10 pm

Hi,

Thanks for the replies.

I am now "emotionally divorce" from him. We only talk when necessary.
I am not young anymore but i do dress up and put on make up whenever i go out. I hv seen the coworker and in terms of appearance I can say I am better. But she is much younger and very "tair". I do not like to compete with her as we are very different persons. But one very important thing: she has a child. I do not know if she is single or married!

What hurts me most is my hubby does not want my girl anymore. He kept complaining that he has lost his freedom ever since she was born. He was not like that before he started the relationship with the girl. He became so heartless now eg. when my girl was very sick n had to rush to hospital under the advice of clinic, he said "what has it got to do with me, you r the mother, don't bother me!" and hung up on me! In the end, my dad had to apply leave from work and accompany me hospital. That day was heavy thunderstorm and I got a hard time in getting a cab. My hubby did not even bother to give me a call to find out how is her condition the whole day but continue to go dating with her and come back in the wee hrs in the morning. I cried until my tears dried up. His priorities in life has shifted. I knew that he does not love us anymore.

I am SAHM and financially dependent on him. He mentioned that in the event that I want to divorce him, he will heavily contest me and see if I hv the monies to fight with him till end. He is threatening me. I hv checked with the lawyer and that a 10-yr marriage is considered a short marriage! The things I fight for may not be as much as those who are married for 20 yrs. Therefore, I dare not risk in getting a divorce now.

I felt my life now is living hell. I know I need to be strong for my girl. Now my situation is I can't stand it and endure but at the same time not mentally prepared for divorce yet. Everyone told me that if I divorce him, both of them will be very happy by doing them this favor.

Mummybaby
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Re: Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby Harlequin » Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:49 pm

May I offer a different perspective?

Divorce or stay, you do it for yourself. If this is not set straight, you will never find happiness again, and your child too, your child will be indebted to you forever, the feeling of indebtedness will be increasingly heavy as she grows.

From a mother's point of view, a child needs a complete family, as in "dad and mum stay married"; but that's not entirely a child needs. So, don't feel bad to chart a new lease of life if you have to.






Reading your second post, I would not advice I have suggested this morning, I think a divorce is inevitable (sorry..) right now you should work on your finance, run through all assets, CPF, insurances, etc... you can't run anymore, he may ask for an exit, you should be prepared.

Whatever lead to this stage is no longer important, look forward...

Get an PI to follow him, get his EMO evidence, save all the text messages, if possible record all the phone conversation exchanges... you may just need it.

Not sure if the other woman is divorced, if she is not then your hubby's case is not easy when you start the divorce proceeding with his EMO evidence.

At this juncture, you have to behave reasonably, no violence no threatening no locking him out, no stalking him etc, lest he file that up to go against you in court.

Go talk to your dad and mum and siblings... you can't fight this alone.







Lastly, just my personal point of view, he ain't worth it !!

Harlequin
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Re: Marriage In Trouble...Should I give up?

Postby Sun_2010 » Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:52 pm

Mummybaby wrote:Hi,

Thanks for the replies.

I am now "emotionally divorce" from him. We only talk when necessary.
I am not young anymore but i do dress up and put on make up whenever i go out. I hv seen the coworker and in terms of appearance I can say I am better. But she is much younger and very "tair". I do not like to compete with her as we are very different persons. But one very important thing: she has a child. I do not know if she is single or married!

What hurts me most is my hubby does not want my girl anymore. He kept complaining that he has lost his freedom ever since she was born. He was not like that before he started the relationship with the girl. He became so heartless now eg. when my girl was very sick n had to rush to hospital under the advice of clinic, he said "what has it got to do with me, you r the mother, don't bother me!" and hung up on me! In the end, my dad had to apply leave from work and accompany me hospital. That day was heavy thunderstorm and I got a hard time in getting a cab. My hubby did not even bother to give me a call to find out how is her condition the whole day but continue to go dating with her and come back in the wee hrs in the morning. I cried until my tears dried up. His priorities in life has shifted. I knew that he does not love us anymore.

I am SAHM and financially dependent on him. He mentioned that in the event that I want to divorce him, he will heavily contest me and see if I hv the monies to fight with him till end. He is threatening me. I hv checked with the lawyer and that a 10-yr marriage is considered a short marriage! The things I fight for may not be as much as those who are married for 20 yrs. Therefore, I dare not risk in getting a divorce now.

I felt my life now is living hell. I know I need to be strong for my girl. Now my situation is I can't stand it and endure but at the same time not mentally prepared for divorce yet. Everyone told me that if I divorce him, both of them will be very happy by doing them this favor.


Mummybaby, I can feel your hurt and helplessness.

Just some thoughts.

Yes you have to be strong. Not just for your daughter, but for yourself too. Dont forget yourself , ever.

I dont like to suggest divorce, it can be painful. But your story hardly gives hope . Your Dh, unfortunately, seems to be obsessed with this lady.

What matter is you and your child. If you divorce , then you should see how it will affect you and your daughter, not how it affects him. Your happiness and well being is more important that his troubles. He is not worth it. So please try and raise above it. That would be the real "emotional divorce"

What has the lawyer told you? It looks if you can gather evidence of your husband's acts ( EMA, ignoring you child) then it is will be in your favour. Is the house you live in jointly held?

Were your working before your marriage ? Having some financial strength will help you see things better. Will you be able to get into the job market , will there be some one ( say your parent ) who can take care of your daughter?

Just hang in there.

Sun_2010
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