Child adoption

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

Child adoption

Postby mum03 » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:57 am

What's your take on child adoption. Anyone as any experience in adopting a child.
I have 2 friends who have adopted a child from day one of their birth. One family accepted the child with open arms whereas the other family's extended family are not very keen about it.
Whats your take on it???????
Also Whether to tell the child whether they have been adopted or not??? If so at what age as it to be done???

mum03
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Postby carebear » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:06 pm

It takes a great deal of courage to adopt a child. It is almost a lifetime commitment. To raise someone not your flesh and blood with love is very generous.
It will be great if all turns out well.
However if the child should turn out to be ungrateful, then you may look back with regret.
The other thing to consider, if you adopt a child cos you are unable to bear one at present, is that you may later be somehow successful in your attempt to bear your own. Would you still be able to love the adopted child as much as your own?
My father was adopted when he was little.
The family who adopted him was unsuccessful in bearing kids.
They believed that by adopting a boy, will kick start the child bearing process. They were successful later, bearing 4 kids of their own.
As life was hard back then, flesh and blood took priority.
IMHO, i would not adopt a child.
But if i were to be left with no choice, then it has to be clear from the start that i am not his biological parent. It would be a big blow to him to find out later in life about the truth, if it was kept from him.

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Postby cmm » Fri Oct 23, 2009 11:11 pm

I have a sad story to tell on this topic.

I know of this couple who has a daughter and had been unable to conceive after this first child. They kept trying over the years and were still unsuccessful to have another one.

The husband is very traditional and believes in having a son to "song zhong". Hence they made the decision to adopt a boy from a neighbouring country. The wife constantly tells her daughter that they will not let the baby brother take so many enrichment classes when he's older as he is adopted (the daughter has many enrichment programmes lined up for her). She also tells her daughter that though she is her flesh & blood, she will never be good enough for her (the mother) as she is not a son. :shock: :x

As the baby grew older, they soon realised that he's from a different race (possibly malay) from his skin color, which was not so obvious when he was a newborn, though they were assured that the baby was chinese at the point of adoption. It's even more obvious now to outsiders (apart from the adoptive mother's attitude to the poor baby) that the baby is adopted. :(

I feel very sad for the poor baby. It's one thing to adopt to genuinely want to care for a under privileged, helpless baby, and another to adopt for an ulterior motive.

I also have a friend who said that she never wants to have her own children. Instead, she would adopt children so she can care for them and give them a home. She doesn't feel that she's missing out on anything if she chooses not to have children of her own.
Last edited by cmm on Sat Oct 24, 2009 10:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Han Seo » Sat Oct 24, 2009 1:12 am

You should only adopt for a very good reason and with no strings attached. In the olden days, our parents and grandparents have kids (or adopt one if they don't have any) as a form of insurance against old age. If you adopt for this reason, you are going to set yourself up for disappointment. Even with your own flesh and blood, they may turn out to disappoint you. So adopt only if you truly can give your love to a child who may otherwise not have the warmth and love of a family. Expect nothing in return.

Someone once said that we should treat our spouse as freehold and our children as leasehold, whether biological or adopted.

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Postby mum03 » Sat Oct 24, 2009 9:26 am

Has I could see that people adopt for different reason. Has mentioned the couple who adopted the little boy, as shown more love to him then to their own biological child. He is so happy and contented. They treat him like their own.

I have no reservation of adopting a child with open arms. If I could give someone who are deprived of love and a home, it could be a blessing. Loving the child should be unconditional,should not accept any gains from it ( they will look after me when I grow old), not even sure whether our own children will look after us.
I have always thought of this option in my life, where I could give a child a home and love.

A close friend of mine adopted a child. They do not have a child of their own, after many years of marriage. Ever since this child came into their life, they have become a complete family. I have seen so much of love been showered on her. She is now school going age. She is one of the top student in her school. The adoptive parents give her and send her to all the enrichment classes she need, not forgetting the holidays she take to far away country. The child does not know that they are her adoptive parents. No outsider will know unless, it is been told.
They want her to have a complete family. Their say the child has brought life into them, they will try to give her everything, and accept nothing in return. They are such a closely knitted family, that it brings tears to me.
It takes alot of courage and openess, to love someone other then your own flesh and blood.

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Postby carebear » Sat Oct 24, 2009 7:51 pm

mum03 wrote:Has I could see that people adopt for different reason. Has mentioned the couple who adopted the little boy, as shown more love to him then to their own biological child. He is so happy and contented. They treat him like their own.

I have no reservation of adopting a child with open arms. If I could give someone who are deprived of love and a home, it could be a blessing. Loving the child should be unconditional,should not accept any gains from it ( they will look after me when I grow old), not even sure whether our own children will look after us.
I have always thought of this option in my life, where I could give a child a home and love.

A close friend of mine adopted a child. They do not have a child of their own, after many years of marriage. Ever since this child came into their life, they have become a complete family. I have seen so much of love been showered on her. She is now school going age. She is one of the top student in her school. The adoptive parents give her and send her to all the enrichment classes she need, not forgetting the holidays she take to far away country. The child does not know that they are her adoptive parents. No outsider will know unless, it is been told.
They want her to have a complete family. Their say the child has brought life into them, they will try to give her everything, and accept nothing in return. They are such a closely knitted family, that it brings tears to me.
It takes alot of courage and openess, to love someone other then your own flesh and blood.


What if they later have a child or children of their own?

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Postby mum03 » Sun Oct 25, 2009 3:48 pm

carebear wrote:
mum03 wrote:Has I could see that people adopt for different reason. Has mentioned the couple who adopted the little boy, as shown more love to him then to their own biological child. He is so happy and contented. They treat him like their own.

I have no reservation of adopting a child with open arms. If I could give someone who are deprived of love and a home, it could be a blessing. Loving the child should be unconditional,should not accept any gains from it ( they will look after me when I grow old), not even sure whether our own children will look after us.
I have always thought of this option in my life, where I could give a child a home and love.

A close friend of mine adopted a child. They do not have a child of their own, after many years of marriage. Ever since this child came into their life, they have become a complete family. I have seen so much of love been showered on her. She is now school going age. She is one of the top student in her school. The adoptive parents give her and send her to all the enrichment classes she need, not forgetting the holidays she take to far away country. The child does not know that they are her adoptive parents. No outsider will know unless, it is been told.
They want her to have a complete family. Their say the child has brought life into them, they will try to give her everything, and accept nothing in return. They are such a closely knitted family, that it brings tears to me.
It takes alot of courage and openess, to love someone other then your own flesh and blood.


What if they later have a child or children of their own?


I have ever ask them about it,and they say that "God gave us unconditional love" so if we could and least give a little bit to someone who are deprived of love the world would be a better place to live. They even are talking now to adopt another child from cambodia. I wish them well.

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Postby GreenQ » Mon Oct 26, 2009 1:01 am

cmm wrote:,,,As the baby grew older, they soon realised that he's from a different race (possibly malay) from his skin color, which was not so obvious when he was a newborn, though they were assured that the baby was chinese at the point of adoption...


Oh... similar story here. I thought adoption party hardly make mistake on different race of baby? :roll:

I know of one couple who has adopted a baby girl. This couple is my good friend's brother & sis-in-law. A very beautiful baby with big eyes. She has darker skin when she was a baby. As she grows older, it is very obvious that she is a malay girl! She has curly hair too. However they were assured that the baby was from a chinese lady at the point of adoption. (May be the father of this baby is a malay guy? :idea:)

This couple felt quite sad. But luckily they love this adopted child very much and treat her as their own. This adopted child is 10 years old now. I think she can tell by herself she is an adopted child. Very obvious.
Last edited by GreenQ on Wed Oct 28, 2009 11:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby mum03 » Mon Oct 26, 2009 8:51 am

GreenQ wrote:
cmm wrote:,,,As the baby grew older, they soon realised that he's from a different race (possibly malay) from his skin color, which was not so obvious when he was a newborn, though they were assured that the baby was chinese at the point of adoption...


Oh... similar story here. I thought adoption party hardly make mistake on different race of baby? :roll:

I know of one couple who has adopted a baby girl. This couple is my good friend's brother & sis-in-law. A very beautiful baby with big eyes. She has darker skin when she was a baby. When she grows up, it is very obvious that she is a malay girl! She has curly hair too. However they were assured that the baby was from a chinese lady at the point of adoption. (May be the father of this baby is a malay guy? :idea:)

This couple felt quite sad. But luckily they love this adopted child very much and treat her as their own. This adopted child is 10 years old now. I think she can tell by herself she is an adopted child. Very obvious.


This goes to say, that regardless of race or religion, you could still love another being. It does not matter where they come from, but how they are brought up and love.

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Postby EN » Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:09 pm

I dont have experience of adopting a child but my niece is adopted. My sister after her first miscarriage is not able to conceive as her womb is weak.

My niece is not aware she is adopted. When she was about 3 years old, my sister brought my niece to see her elder sisters and little brother in the neighbouring country. Her natural mother just died of motor cycle accident pregnant with her 5th child. Her natural father lost among the addicts, not sure if he is dead or alive.

My sister and her hubby loves their daughter very much. Both my kids adore their cousin and my children are not told of their cousin history either. My father dots on this beautiful child. My mum loves her too but I could sense some reservation and biasness towards her own flesh and blood.

This goes to say, that regardless of race or religion, you could still love another being. It does not matter where they come from, but how they are brought up and love.


I just need to add, irregardless of parental background too, adopted children deserved the best brought up and loving environment.

EN
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