"Losing Fatherhood" - an article

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

"Losing Fatherhood" - an article

Postby sashimi » Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:56 am

Something a friend shared on Facebook, which caught my attention. Thought you all might be interested:

(Note that the full article is very very long)

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/22/magaz ... .html?_r=1

Losing Fatherhood

Published: November 17, 2009

It was in July 2007 when Mike L. asked the Pennsylvania courts to declare that he was no longer the father of his daughter. For four years, Mike had known that the girl he had rocked to sleep and danced with across the living-room floor was not, as they say, “his.” The revelation from a DNA test was devastating and prompted him to leave his wife — but he had not renounced their child. He continued to feel that in all the ways that mattered, she was still his daughter, and he faithfully paid her child support. It was only when he learned that his ex-wife was about to marry the man who she said actually was the girl’s biological father that Mike flipped. Supporting another man’s child suddenly became unbearable. ....

(Continued) http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/22/magaz ... .html?_r=1

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Postby 3Boys » Tue Jan 26, 2010 10:01 pm

I cannot tell you how much reading that article pains me......

"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies."

If you have found a good wife, hang on for dear life......

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Postby tankee » Tue Jan 26, 2010 11:57 pm

first confession ... i only read the first page.

Some parents i known and ever talked to on similar subject, had told me blantly that they treasure biological bond over paternal bond. They will never ever be able to raise someone's child as their own. Yes, they may shower the adopted child with love and care for the child, but it would never be their "child".

for me, I treasure paternal bond over biological bond. I had alway believed that an adopted child would have stronger bond with the parents that raised him/her than the biological parents who .... er ... provided the DNA?

sometimes, i wonder this difference in which bond we treasure is partly depends on whether we are a daddy or mommy. Afterall, mommy carrys the baby for 9 months (more biological than paternal in nature) while the daddy only supported from the side (more paternal than biological in nature).

insider - thanks for sharing the article :celebrate:

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Postby 3Boys » Wed Jan 27, 2010 4:04 pm

A father-interest article gains very little traction here hor? OTOH the DIL vs MIL :nunchuk: thread hopping along nicely.....

Pardon the pontification, but men (as a general entity) have become our own worse enemies. For decades, we encourage the objectification of women as sex objects, shy away from marriage as 'commitment', and now women obligingly play along. It comes back to bite us, as no one seems to respect the institution of marriage.

Now that I think about the fellow who tried to solicit my DW on fb, it makes me boiling mad. This was a married lady with young kids and he gave not one hoot about being a home-wrecker? What The ....??

tankee, read the whole article and maybe you appreciate his conundrum, love-hate is a bad place to be, and he should never have been placed in that position in the first place.

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Postby Eagle-Ladybird » Wed Jan 27, 2010 11:25 pm

Well, at least one other guy read the article . . . me, the whole article.

Can't agree with you more, 3Boys

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Postby ZacK » Thu Jan 28, 2010 12:41 pm

Actually I did read the whole report too :wink:

Anyway people and feelings do change (I mean between spouses), that is why we need to constantly work at it to keep the relationship going, once the relationship stagnate, there will always be tendencies to stray from either side... Of cos there are people who will stray regardless of their relationship with their spouses and this is largely dependent on their personal values and how much they want to keep to their marriage vows.

Personally for me, regardless what happens to the parents, we should as far as possible consider and strive to minimise the negative impact to the children. So many times, parents cleave to each other and then split based on whims and fancies and according to their own needs only... Aren't these adults being so self-centred?

How many have seriously considered what their kids need and want... Did the kids ask to be born to these parents? Apparently two "lovey dovey" parents decide that it was time to make a likeness of themselves and produce offsprings ... Then when they are no longer "lovey dovey" they split and between themselves unilaterally decide that the kids are able to adapt and manage without having one parent around.

In relation to the article, I applaud what this man was doing... ie keeping parental bond going even when he knew that his daughter is not his biologically. Between biological bond and parental bond, I too would choose to focus on the latter. This is because to me all kids deserve to be loved, they were not given a chance to see if they would like to come to this world and yet there are so many occassions when they are made to bear with the cruelties of this world alone.

To reinforce the pt on how parental bond is more impt... I have heard of stories of how some biological offsprings were mean and terrible to their parents and forsaking them in their old age. End of the day, it was the adopted child who undertook the task of providing and caring for these old folks... So the issue to me is not whether there is a biological connection but rather how as parents have we treated and brought up the children be it biological or not.

But like this man... I do not think I can accept and continue to provide financially for a child who I know is not mine biologically and I do not have legal control of the child, more so when the child is physically staying with his/her biological parent. :stupid: :stupid: :stupid:

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