How to accept a person as he is?

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

How to accept a person as he is?

Postby xueyan » Thu Dec 11, 2014 5:37 pm

DH and I are full time working parents. We have only 1 boy who is in K2 this year. In the past, DH coaches DS in Chinese and I take care of English. Early this year we found that his Maths is atrocious (cannot count properly, cannot grasp concept), so I quickly started teaching him.

All these while when DH teach, he showed the least interest. He will lie on the bed to teach. Or teach a mere 15 minutes and said "He can read" and stopped. Being a kiasu mummy, I have told him other ways to teach like giving DS ting xie, asking questions after reading a story book, asking him to form a few sentences looking at a picture..... DH turned a deaf ear to these.

On the contrary, I will find out ways how to teach effectively, from friends, from teachers, reading from forum...

I couldn't stand the way DH teach anymore. So over the last few months, I have undertake to teach DS all the 3 subjects. I feel that it is not a easy task, but I took on this responsibility just to make sure that DS has a good foundation and also to ensure that he understands the work.

However the other side of me tells me that this is really unfair. DH can be staring at his HP or watching TV all evening. But I have to rush home from work, rush my dinner in order to catch more time in coaching DS.

I know I have to accept DH that he is basically a lazy person but I simply could not. I have quarrelled many times over this with him and he simply will not change.

Mummies, please advice as I need to hear from you.

xueyan
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Re: How to accept a person as he is?

Postby dolphinsiah » Fri Dec 12, 2014 9:58 am

xueyan wrote:
I know I have to accept DH that he is basically a lazy person but I simply could not. I have quarrelled many times over this with him and he simply will not change.

Mummies, please advice as I need to hear from you.


Xueyan , I feel your stress...

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Last edited by dolphinsiah on Mon Dec 15, 2014 1:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: How to accept a person as he is?

Postby dolphinsiah » Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:18 am

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Re: How to accept a person as he is?

Postby ChiefKiasu » Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:19 am

xueyan wrote:...However the other side of me tells me that this is really unfair. DH can be staring at his HP or watching TV all evening. But I have to rush home from work, rush my dinner in order to catch more time in coaching DS.

I know I have to accept DH that he is basically a lazy person but I simply could not. I have quarrelled many times over this with him and he simply will not change.

Mummies, please advice as I need to hear from you.


To be fair, not many people are cut up to teach or educate. It becomes even harder when it comes to teaching our own children, because we have a much higher expectation of them since they are our kids.

In such situations, it is better to outsource the teaching than to fight over who is responsible for teaching. Since your DH doesn't want to do it himself, then he gets to pay for someone else to do it :)

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Re: How to accept a person as he is?

Postby dolphinsiah » Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:19 am

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Last edited by dolphinsiah on Mon Dec 15, 2014 1:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: How to accept a person as he is?

Postby i love my family » Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:45 am

Hi xueyan, I am in the same situation as u. And dun expect our man will change coz they will not. Guess you will have to outsource the teaching.
Jia you, you can do it

i love my family
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Re: How to accept a person as he is?

Postby straffan23 » Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:55 am

I agree with Chief, not everyone is suitable to teach. Even I for one, as a mother, is probably not the best person to teach my own children. That is perhaps also why, I have no expectations of my husband being able to teach the children (academically).

As a parent, as a mother, please think of it this way - what we are doing for our children, we do it because we love them, we feel that it is good for them. FAIR is not in this equation at all. My husband seldom participate in household chores or kid's education or wellbeing. He works all the time - so if we have time, we will try to do something FUN. I love to bake, to cook, and do fun things with the kids. I do this because I enjoy doing it. Again, FAIR is not in the equation.

If you child is responding well to your coaching, and you are otherwise happy to coach, you should continue doing so. Otherwise, it is probably not worth the trouble/anguish. Like another former said, there is only 24hrs - why spent on unproductive things?

So what do you do, to help reduce your "workload" if you continue to coach? You should know the options, right? Get hubby to be in charge of dinner, in charge of laundry, cleaning up, etc etc. And then what is the trade-off? You need to lower your expectations, and be okay with whatever is his STANDARD for those things. There is no 100% for EVERYTHING. So, place your bets accordingly, and always remind ourselves, not to be our husband's mother!

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Re: How to accept a person as he is?

Postby mummyv » Fri Dec 12, 2014 2:30 pm

:hugs: As a working mother myself, I have been there too. In every family, there will be a parent who will shoulder more responsibility for the child's education and a parent who is more easygoing. This forum was enlightening for me. I realized I'm not the only one who works, rushes home to coach the kids, does housework and repeats that day in and out without much help from DH. Many others do these and even more! What I can say is, it gets easier if you are more accepting of the challenges you face because of your love for your family. Try to build a support system that shares your joys and woes. Start with other parents who have kids the same age as yours - easiest to start with DC's favourite playmates' parents. Remember too, the good points your DH has aside from not coaching DC. As a working woman, you also have the means to pay for external help (part-time maids, tutors) even without DH's financing for your own wellbeing. Be kind to yourself in ways that matter most to you first.

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Re: How to accept a person as he is?

Postby 12mum » Fri Dec 12, 2014 6:27 pm

Split the load.

You take charge of the academic stuff be it teaching your child yourself or outsource to tutors. And let your hubby take charge of the sports/game stuff.

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Re: How to accept a person as he is?

Postby alng » Fri Dec 12, 2014 7:34 pm

I just want to ask Xueyan to relax as her son is only at K2. There are more to come later. At this point, just get the child to read and to love learning. Learning can be achieved through fun activities too.

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