Divorce or PPO ?

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Divorce or PPO ?

Postby chixchix » Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:11 am

Hi all, i have a situation and its driving me insane, hope to get some advise here.

I been married for 13 yrs,have 2 sons now aged 12 and 10. Prior to my marriage I had 1 relationship that last me 5 yrs. When i knew my DH, i did tell him about as i felt it was important that he knows my past.

After 7 years of marriage, he started to hit me, its more of slaps on my face. I always tolerated thinking that things like this is common,however it will happen every few months,when we go overseas he hits me in front of my sons. These are often fights caused by no particular reason, he is always drunk when he hits me ,and he will start saying I had many boyfrds before marriage, ( seems like he also referred to office colleagues as boyfrds ) .....The boys are growing up now ,and i don't want the boys to think it is ok to hit women and disrespect them.

He uses vulgarities when he scolds, at times he spits at me, takes things and throws at me, These are what my boys do to each other when they fight among themselves.

When he gets sober ,the next day he will always say he doesn't remember anything ,I am kind of sick and tired.I haven't had the courage to do any PPO against him, until my friends have told me that i need to put a full stop. I don't even feel safe sleeping in my own house,

Past 2 times he hit me ,I became brave to lodge a police report and medical. Last week after hit me, I went to Family Corner ,and applied for PPO. they said that his copy of court order will be mailed to him, So on 15th april ,i told him that I have done a PPO application and he somehow thought i was joking.In the night he asked me where is the paper he want to see .I kept delaying to show him as i was afraid of his reaction ...next morning again he asked , this time ,i send him a pic of the upper part of my Temporary PPO.

He was very upset the whole night and kept drinking beer. He said i had given him the best present of the marriage , he didn't expect me to apply for PPO. he kept asking me where is his Court Summon,, i told him you will receive soon.Actually i received but i was hiding it from him...middle of the night again he became violent with me..My 10yr old who sleeps in my room had to restrain him from me

This morning , same thing happen ,My older one is siting for PSLE this year, i feel sad when i this 2 young kids having to protect me. At the same time ,i don't want them to see all this drama happening . He tells my sons that i have bad family. he tells them your mother had so many boyfrds.

my court hearing is this Thursday , i am quite afraid to give him his court order. After what happen today , i feel like divorcing him, My friends are telling me i shd move on, but i don't want to put my kids through unnecessary stress and at the same time , don't wish to be a punching bag.

What should i do ? I am confused .

chixchix
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Re: Divorce or PPO ?

Postby slmkhoo » Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:20 am

chixchix - I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Whatever you decide, I think you should just get the PPO first. Whether or not you decide to get a divorce, you should get some protection in the meanwhile. It's not good for you or your sons for you to be living in fear for your safety. They have already been exposed to this, and they are not too young to have been affected. I hope others with more knowledge can give you more advice.

slmkhoo
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Re: Divorce or PPO ?

Postby ammonite » Mon Apr 20, 2015 10:05 am

Chixchix,
I am aghast. I don't know how to say this very diplomatically, but I want you to know that regardless of anything he says, it does not permit violence against you and your boys. I am very sorry you and your two children need to go through this - and from what you described, divorce - as long as you have a stable place to move to - will be a new fresh start for all of you.

While I think that a complete family unit is good for children, once violence gets into the mix, it is no longer so.
1. It does your kids no good to witness this against their mother.
2. It puts your kids in danger when they try to intervene. As they get bigger and stronger, the violence can escalate on both ends. Avoid at all cost!
3. It may also shape your children adversely in future as they grow up. One of my relatives grow up watching his father hit his mother every time he comes back drunk. After he became a teenager and a young man, he subsequently hit his girlfriends, his sister, and even threatened another relative with a knife. His mother even told one ex-girlfriend to leave him and look for someone better.

Please start looking for an alternative safe place to live in NOW. Get all your finances together and shift them to a safe place. Take your passports, your kids' birthcerts, and make copies. Put all originals at a safe place outside of your house now. Have a spare house key somewhere else. Prepare your things asap so that anytime you need to grab your kids and go, you can.

chixchix wrote:I been married for 13 yrs,have 2 sons now aged 12 and 10. Prior to my marriage I had 1 relationship that last me 5 yrs. When i knew my DH, i did tell him about as i felt it was important that he knows my past.

Your past is your past. What is one ex?? Or even five exs? No big deal!

After 7 years of marriage, he started to hit me, its more of slaps on my face. I always tolerated thinking that things like this is common,
NO, IT IS NOT COMMON.

The boys are growing up now ,and i don't want the boys to think it is ok to hit women and disrespect them.
Agree!

When he gets sober ,the next day he will always say he doesn't remember anything...
Most likely bullshit, and if it is true, he has a serious problem and as an adult, he has to deal with it. You are only responsible for keeping your kids safe.

He was very upset the whole night and kept drinking beer.
still drinking beer - bad sign!

middle of the night again he became violent with me..My 10yr old who sleeps in my room had to restrain him from me. This morning , same thing happen ,My older one is siting for PSLE this year, i feel sad when i this 2 young kids having to protect me. At the same time ,i don't want them to see all this drama happening . He tells my sons that i have bad family. he tells them your mother had so many boyfrds.
&*%$$///***! !!! Your children definitely do not need to go through this. Get them out of this now. You may want to consider sending an email to their class teachers as well because they may also act up in school and get into trouble. If the teachers are cued in, they may be able to provide some support to your children.

my court hearing is this Thursday , i am quite afraid to give him his court order.
Go to the police station and tell them to give it to him or notify him somehow. They can call him, message him, email it to him or personally hand it to him. It is RIDICULOUS to expect you to give it to him. Will we try to put a leash around an angry animal? No, we call in the experts. You won't be the first person to have this problem, the police will have experience with this.

What should i do ? I am confused.
Don't overthink it. At the most basic level, you need a safe place to live in for yourself and your children, and you need financial independence. Start from there.

ammonite
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Re: Divorce or PPO ?

Postby dolphinsiah » Mon Apr 20, 2015 11:24 am

chixchix wrote:Hi all, i have a situation and its driving me insane, hope to get some advise here.

I been married for 13 yrs,have 2 sons now aged 12 and 10. Prior to my marriage I had 1 relationship that last me 5 yrs. When i knew my DH, i did tell him about as i felt it was important that he knows my past.

After 7 years of marriage, he started to hit me, its more of slaps on my face. I always tolerated thinking that things like this is common,however it will happen every few months,when we go overseas he hits me in front of my sons. These are often fights caused by no particular reason, he is always drunk when he hits me ,and he will start saying I had many boyfrds before marriage, ( seems like he also referred to office colleagues as boyfrds ) .....The boys are growing up now ,and i don't want the boys to think it is ok to hit women and disrespect them.

He uses vulgarities when he scolds, at times he spits at me, takes things and throws at me, These are what my boys do to each other when they fight among themselves.

When he gets sober ,the next day he will always say he doesn't remember anything ,I am kind of sick and tired.I haven't had the courage to do any PPO against him, until my friends have told me that i need to put a full stop. I don't even feel safe sleeping in my own house,

Past 2 times he hit me ,I became brave to lodge a police report and medical. Last week after hit me, I went to Family Corner ,and applied for PPO. they said that his copy of court order will be mailed to him, So on 15th april ,i told him that I have done a PPO application and he somehow thought i was joking.In the night he asked me where is the paper he want to see .I kept delaying to show him as i was afraid of his reaction ...next morning again he asked , this time ,i send him a pic of the upper part of my Temporary PPO.

He was very upset the whole night and kept drinking beer. He said i had given him the best present of the marriage , he didn't expect me to apply for PPO. he kept asking me where is his Court Summon,, i told him you will receive soon.Actually i received but i was hiding it from him...middle of the night again he became violent with me..My 10yr old who sleeps in my room had to restrain him from me

This morning , same thing happen ,My older one is siting for PSLE this year, i feel sad when i this 2 young kids having to protect me. At the same time ,i don't want them to see all this drama happening . He tells my sons that i have bad family. he tells them your mother had so many boyfrds.

my court hearing is this Thursday , i am quite afraid to give him his court order. After what happen today , i feel like divorcing him, My friends are telling me i shd move on, but i don't want to put my kids through unnecessary stress and at the same time , don't wish to be a punching bag.

What should i do ? I am confused .


I feel your pain...so sorry :cry: :scared:

Is your DH a Alcoholic? Is he having Alcoholism sickness? Possible to get him go for some Alcoholism Therapy treatment?

Now of course is very important to get away from him when he is drunk or in anger.

But if both of you want to save the marriage, do look at his drinking problem....he might be depress over something which leads him to be drunk...

Be strong for Children !

dolphinsiah
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Re: Divorce or PPO ?

Postby Funz » Mon Apr 20, 2015 11:35 am

Even if you do not have a divorce, I would think a separation will be good. Especially now your older one is going through his PSLE. He does not need to see his parents fighting and his father beating up his mum. If by keeping your DH away for a while, the home environment is more peaceful, that will help him as he prepares for his exams.

You husband needs to go for some anger management therapy and also he may have a drinking problem. If these are not addressed the beatings will keep recurring. I think that will be more harmful for your kids than a separation or a divorce.
Last edited by Funz on Mon Apr 20, 2015 12:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Funz
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Re: Divorce or PPO ?

Postby Mdm Koh » Mon Apr 20, 2015 11:58 am

You should move out of the house so that you can take your time to consider your options. Keep your children safe first. MOE does not publicize these types of news, but there are numerous cases of students with abusive parents. Even if the parent does not hit them and only hits the spouse, further frustration for the children may lead them do things to harm themselves, sometimes with tragic consequences.

Mdm Koh
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Re: Divorce or PPO ?

Postby mel2sg » Mon Apr 20, 2015 12:05 pm

Funz wrote:Even if you do not have a divorce, I would think a separation will be good.


I have someone close (in Malaysia) who went through the near-divorce process & was informed that Separation is only for couple who married for short period of time & not for those married for years- not sure about SG.

Chizchiz - you need to be strong to show him you are not a push-over. You are a wise lady, whatever you decide let the kids be your top consideration. All the best.

mel2sg
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Re: Divorce or PPO ?

Postby Lynn1984 » Thu Nov 12, 2015 4:01 pm

Hey How's everything now? Hope you are ok. I'm really sorry to hear your story. Probably moving on with your sons would be a better option than living in this environment unless he dont use violence against you again. Your have to protect your sons as well, hope he doesn't beat them. :skeptical:

Lynn1984
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