KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

Much talk has been said on the topic of cheating spouses.
But i find that the thread header "Extra Marital Affair" is
not quite apt to discuss them. Extra marital affairs refers
to prolonged attachment with or without feelings for a 3rd
party...

I'm setting this new thread in place to better define the talk,
the discussions, the whys.. the what the ?... the hows... and
definitely all the how-cans...

Notty spouses, pious spouses, family-oriented spouses,
loving spouses and more... have all been the slapped with
the taunts and lures of temptations. Some retract, slapped
themselves silly and get back on track of what's right.. what
is priority and what is important in their lives. Some just go;
"Cheh... just try once won't hurt mah.." And those from here
sadly and hardly go back to the right path.

Cheating comes in many forms. Cheat money... Cheat feelings..
Cheat death... and many other cheats... Likewise for spousal
cheating... there are not enough fingers to count the different
ways and the multitude of justifications that makes it seem ok.

Mebbe Chief can merge some of the posts from the other threads
to arrow the relevance here.. Thanks in advance.

Got acquainted with a female colleague once who had an estranged husband.
Upon one of her break-downs during lunch break in the office she told all......
I shudder at the thought.

Both my colleague, D and her DH were working professionals. They shared
a condominium in the east. They rented out a room for a pair of flight
attendants couple. They didn't have children only until much later. And the
couple shared many blissful years together. 25 years later, DH wanted out.
Just like that. He left and took all his things as well. D was left to pick up da
pieces on her own. He told her only one reason that so-called justified his
leaving. He never loved her. Not even once. Not even on their wedding day.
No, they were not match-made. They were old time friends. And at some
point in their lives, they were also school friends.

On the day he left, he took the car with him as well. Thinking that he would
be needing it more for work travel and all, in her heart, she said it's fine
with her if he took the car. It took her the end of the same day he left to
find that he took with him every single valuable possession she owned or
that they co-owned.

It only took the next few days to have people knocking on her door.... It
didn't seem weird to her that as husband and wife, it was only natural that
she became his guarantor for stuff they needed for the house and the
family and vice versa, except in her case she was the guarantor for most
of the stuff including the car that has yet to be fully paid. Then, there was
also mortgage for the house (HDB) that they co-owned after the sale of
their condominium.

D found out that her husband has not made payments 2mths to 3mths b4
his leaving for a few of their accounts... furniture... car installments...
house mortgage (got cash to pay as well)... credit card bills... just to name
a few. She was left so heavily in debt, the first month alone..

After failing to settle most of it, some of the stuff were taken away from
the big house one by one by one.. she continued to pay what little she
could for the car (until it was fully paid) and also for the credit cards...
She continued to work each day just so she could keep the people
harassing her for payments, off her back. Her children barely had enuff
to eat. Now came the big deal..

Her children blamed her for their dad's leaving. Her son pointed fingers
at D saying it was all her fault. Why this happened you may ask? D never
told the children that her father left her almost to bankruptcy. That their
father took all the saving meant for the children's education. He took the
jewellery given to her. He took all the children's savings from their many
years of school pocket money and also from the collections from festivities.
Yup, he took them all. But D told me, she did not want to mar their father's
reputation or integrity as a father to the children. D said that it was oredi
so unfair to the children that DH left just like that without saying goodbye.
She wants her children to have only the best of memories of their father.
And that the children should never know. She made me promise.

D fought hard on to fight off bankruptcy calling.. she worked full-time for
the CPF to go into the house. She worked nights elsewhere to pay off the
extra cash required for her home. She worked weekends to get some $$$
for food to eat. She insisted that her children only focused on studying
hard and hopefully able to support themselves in the future in case she
can no longer provide for them.

D also did not mention to them that she is suffering from a chronic illness.
She lugs herself to work those 3 places everytime at the thought of her
children. They complain that they don't see her much. She compensates
it with night chats and many many hugs even till when the children were
teenagers. She says the only thing she can do with them now is to bond
with them... they're growing so fast she is afraid she may lose it if she
does not make the effort.

D's DH is still MIA and she has never once sought to file for divorce. She
never moved. So that DH knows he can always come back. That DH will
always have a place in their home and their hearts.

Last i heard from others, her DH had been spotted with a foreigner. A Thai
looking lass holding hands with 2 small children going into their paid car.
And another said DH was spotted with his arms around a China babe.

There is only little one can do as a friend. To listen and to offer advice or
options to get her out of a problem. But if the one with the problem does
not see it as a problem, then listening is all we can do.

I have lost contact with D so long now. I dunno whether she even still lives.

For D, being cheated of feelings then cheated of money, properties and
also cheated of memories she ever owned was her fault. That she didn't
see it coming..

I told D that no one can see that coming. No one will ever can.

I just pray D is at peace wherever she may be.

Physically- I am at option 5. Currently with the highest vote.
Mentally- Guess I am at option 6......

I dun have any "temptation" at my current work place. Dun talk about social life, i dun have any, though....

In my previous work place(s), i met guys whom we can actually "verbally" seducing each other.... But luckily we did not get anywhere deep,deep....... Neither do we dun have time alone nor we create time alone and of cos nothing sort of happen. After work, i would straight away devote all my time to my family.

My mind runs "wild" sometimes.....hope that's normal....Ever dreamt of having "good time" not with DH, but with someone else I know..... :!:

buds, your friend's story is really ultimate sob story. so for her.

I had a friend also had her dh walked out on her just like that with her helper, until now still missing. She only filed for divorce a few years ago because she harboured the hopes of his return. My friend is luckier, she is having a better life now with a better man and her own business. Kids are also grown up and sensible.

I have a friend whose DH left her with debts by borrowing lots of money from the bank before disappearing. Heard that he went off with a China babe. Apparently, his money ran out and left with no other choice, he went back to his wife. :x If I were her, there's no way I'll take him in. I'm sure their children despite him.

Just cheating DH? What about DW? Recently not one, but I saw 2 such cases. Wife walking out of their 'useless' husbands together with their children, and the husband are not to have contact with the children. In both cases, they did not fight and they landed up having to pay a huge alimony and back to their bachelorhood broke.

I sometimes wonder, with the woman liberation, have we become too liberated? Being a submissive wife can have its blessings as well... How are these children going to grow up without a fatherly figure, no matter how capable the wife is?

IMO. in the past, most bread-winners are men and most women are financially dependent on their hubby. Some women then do not have their own social circle. Thus, women then tend to be more forgiving and tolerable to their hubby.


current time is different. most wife are FTWM and some even earn more than their hubby. No longer need to take all the bullshits from errant hubby.

2ppaamm wrote:Just cheating DH? What about DW? Recently not one, but I saw 2 such cases. Wife walking out of their 'useless' husbands together with their children, and the husband are not to have contact with the children. In both cases, they did not fight and they landed up having to pay a huge alimony and back to their bachelorhood broke.

I sometimes wonder, with the woman liberation, have we become too liberated? Being a submissive wife can have its blessings as well... How are these children going to grow up without a fatherly figure, no matter how capable the wife is?

It really depends on each couples' issues. I have a friend, husband is 'useless', for lack of better term. Cannot hold on to a job, owes money to various credit card companies, phone bills not paid, gets into fights, etc. Wife not a high income earner, but have to help him clear some of his debts to the point where she did not have money to bring her son to the doctors when he was sick. Even though it is easy for us to say she can dun pay those bills for her husband but when faced with a husband who keeps pestering her for money and creditors knocking on their doors, it's easier said then done. So eventually she decided to separate from him and she is doing so much better away from him then with him. He still has access to their child so the kid is not growing up without a father figure.

If she had continued to be submissive just to keep a complete family, I dare say the kid will suffer.

I just feel that women shouldn't leave all the finances to the men to manage. I feel that women should hold the purse string. Observed in many cases, when things happen, the one who suffer most is the person who is financially dependent/ leave the finance management to the spouse completely. They are clueless when things happen. Eg. if the wife is more involved in the finances, there would be tell tale signs eg. letters/ calls from bank on default payment, etc...

The same happened to my aunt. The hubby just left her overnite and disappeared. For many many years till her kids grow up, she had to take on many jobs just to bring up my 4 cousins and to make ends meet. One of her kids is a scholar and they are all grown up now. Sometime last year, my mum saw a news about her hubby on the chinese newspaper saying that he is now in old folks home and "abandoned" by his kids. Why didn't he mention that he abandoned his kids and wife in the first place and led them to have some many years of hardship? Why is he only appearing now???? Anyway, they did not acknowledge him and I personally think he deserve it for all that he has done to them.

My mum was telling me that no one knows what happened to them except the couple and another uncle of mine. But my uncle is dead so it appears that it will always be a secret. Sometimes the problem that exists between a couple may not be as clear as black and white. There could be a compilation of issues that led one of them to do something wrong.

Funz wrote:

2ppaamm wrote:Just cheating DH? What about DW? Recently not one, but I saw 2 such cases. Wife walking out of their 'useless' husbands together with their children, and the husband are not to have contact with the children. In both cases, they did not fight and they landed up having to pay a huge alimony and back to their bachelorhood broke.

I sometimes wonder, with the woman liberation, have we become too liberated? Being a submissive wife can have its blessings as well... How are these children going to grow up without a fatherly figure, no matter how capable the wife is?

It really depends on each couples' issues. I have a friend, husband is 'useless', for lack of better term. Cannot hold on to a job, owes money to various credit card companies, phone bills not paid, gets into fights, etc. Wife not a high income earner, but have to help him clear some of his debts to the point where she did not have money to bring her son to the doctors when he was sick. Even though it is easy for us to say she can dun pay those bills for her husband but when faced with a husband who keeps pestering her for money and creditors knocking on their doors, it's easier said then done. So eventually she decided to separate from him and she is doing so much better away from him then with him. He still has access to their child so the kid is not growing up without a father figure.

If she had continued to be submissive just to keep a complete family, I dare say the kid will suffer.

the hubby needs to "wake up" !

wonder what she saw in him in the first place.