Child Custody

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

Child Custody

Postby buds » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:14 pm

Does a mom not wanting to fight for or take custody
of her children sound like a heartless kinda mom?

Husband financially stable and has a home in his own
name. Children's education and financial needs can be
met comfortably. Would a mom's decision not to have
custody of her children seem unimaginably mean or
very wrong... and it's not that the mom doesn't love
her children. She does. Beyond anything... But just
having the children's future at heart.

buds
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Postby tankee » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:24 pm

let's not just restrict to mom.

Whether I would consider any parent (Be it mom or dad) not wanting to fight for child custody, would depends on the reason motivating such a decision and not by the act itself.

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Postby winth » Thu Jan 21, 2010 3:33 pm

Are the girls stickier to the mom or to the dad?

buds wrote:Does a mom not wanting to fight for or take custody
of her children sound like a heartless kinda mom?


If I am the child, I will feel very hurt and confused.

My ex-tenant's mum left home from an abusive marriage when she was 2 year-old. Her dad re-married, and she was abused by her new stepmum. Years later, dad divorced again, having no one to care for her, he left her with a full-time nanny for 5 years. Daddy remarried again and took her back to live with him and his new family. Her relationship with them was okay, but she grew up not knowing why her mum didn't take her along.

Now late 30s, she still visits her mum every Saturday and have lunch with her. Once, she asked her mum that question that she desired to know since she was a child. She didn't tell me the answer for she stopped with tears in her eyes and DH hinted to me that I should ask further. But I know it hurts very much and she might have a better childhood if she had been with her mum.

Her relationship with her parents is superficial and she prefers to stay on her own, whilst still being filial to them both should they need her help.

winth
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Postby ponyo » Thu Jan 21, 2010 3:48 pm

Actually, the child/children's perspective should not be left out too.

If the marriage has come to a point where it has broken down irretrievably, and if the kids are old enough to understand, then the parents should agree to sit down with the kids to explain the situation.

Let the kids understand that mommy and daddy cannot live together anymore so they have to make a choice between parents. Give them the facts like if they stay with daddy, they will be well provisioned but if with mummy, then they will have to be prepared to make some sacrifices in terms of material needs and time with mummy (since mummy working, she will have lesser time to spend with them). See what they say.

Help them understand that no matter which party they choose, they will still be loved.

What about joint custody ie both parents get to have a share of the kids? However need to ensure that the other party maintains a gentlemanly behaviour and not criticise the mummy when she is not around.

Remember material needs are not everything. Children need more than that. Adversity does make a person stronger. Though it is sad that the kids need to go through all that when they are still young.

ponyo
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Postby mintcc » Thu Jan 21, 2010 4:09 pm

The mom needs some conselling.

She is not heartless but she have her intentions misplaced. If the only reason she does not want custody is because she have their future at heart because of money reason, then she should know that the husband shd support the children even when they are divorce. If she wants to be with her children, that is no reason to give up custody.

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Postby winth » Thu Jan 21, 2010 4:11 pm

mintcc wrote:The mom needs some conselling.

She is not heartless but she have her intentions misplaced. If the only reason she does not want custody is because she have their future at heart because of money reason, then she should know that the husband shd support the children even when they are divorce. If she wants to be with her children, that is no reason to give up custody.


Fully agreed.

winth
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Re: Child Custody

Postby Andaiz » Thu Jan 21, 2010 4:32 pm

buds wrote:Does a mom not wanting to fight for or take custody
of her children sound like a heartless kinda mom?

Husband financially stable and has a home in his own
name. Children's education and financial needs can be
met comfortably. Would a mom's decision not to have
custody of her children seem unimaginably mean or
very wrong... and it's not that the mom doesn't love
her children. She does. Beyond anything... But just
having the children's future at heart.


Not being judgemental here but this is my ENTJ (intuitive self) speaking...physical and material needs are NOT everything. Who can provide the best of emotional comfort and support in the formative years of the children is key. This is not about a mom's sacrifice per se, but about the emotional stability of the children. If the mom has their welfare at heart, she'd need to consider these rather than just mere education/financial needs. JMHO!

Andaiz
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Postby OngMum » Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:18 pm

I have a relative who does not have the custody of her girl when she divorced with her husband. It was her second marriage and the girl is from her first marriage. The custody of the girl went to the husband of the second marriage who is not her natural father.

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Postby buds » Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:21 pm

OngMum wrote:I have a relative who does not have the custody of her girl when she divorced with her husband. It was her second marriage and the girl is from her first marriage. The custody of the girl went to the husband of the second marriage who is not her natural father.


Oh wow! :!:

Never heard of such an arrangement.
Is the girl older now? Does she take it badly that
the mother just left her with that daddy? Did she
even fight for custody of the girl?

buds
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Re: Child Custody

Postby buds » Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:24 pm

Andaiz wrote:Not being judgemental here but this is my ENTJ (intuitive self) speaking...physical and material needs are NOT everything. Who can provide the best of emotional comfort and support in the formative years of the children is key. This is not about a mom's sacrifice per se, but about the emotional stability of the children. If the mom has their welfare at heart, she'd need to consider these rather than just mere education/financial needs. JMHO!


Mum doesn't work. Has no home.
Mebbe need to rent a room somewhere.
Has petty savings but can return to the workforce
lah to get all of them by. Husband is an extremely
well-groomed and a devoted family man. Just that
one flaw for the need for variety. Thoughtful person
and very responsible. He oso doesn't mind taking
custody of the children.

buds
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