What would you do if...

Successful parenting is founded on successful relationships between spouses and relatives. We must not neglect our spouse while we focus our attention on grooming our children to become the best they can be. Discuss relationship issues here.

What would you do if...

Postby winth » Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:29 am

A True Situation:

Girl came from a divorced family. Her parents divorced since she was Pri 3. I taught this girl for tuition years ago, giving her free tuition as I'm been shown kindness by the girl's mother when I was very young. 6 months later, I gave up.

Many many years on, this girl proceeded to Secondary School and she's a normal academic student. She was in and out of relationships and her mother tried to stop each and every guy for they were really into sexual relationships. Once, she even told her mother that her mother can't die till she turns 21 which, by then, she will be free and marry off. But till then, her mother needs to feed her and make sure she grows up properly.

This year, she ran away from home for days without any trace and she got involved (sexually) with a Malay man who is at least twice her age. She was soon found to be staying at a budget hotel when the police found her. At a tender age of 14, it was underage sex and the police got involved. Court case and stuff.

All these while for the past 2 years, mother and daughter was putting up at her nephew and niece's home, for she couldn't afford a decent roof with her salary after selling away their previous home due to the divorce. But with this court case (quite a BIG hoo ha), her nephew and niece threathened to send this girl to Girl's Home, and her mother obviously refused. The reason for sending the girl away: this girl is beyond hope, but they want their aunt to continue staying with them. They just didn't want the girl. The girl's father argued with them and they told him to take his daughter away. But the girl refused and said she still wanted 'Mummy'. So, with no choice, they chased all 3 of them out of their home and never to return. The mother was so sad and angry cos she had used to pull her niece and nephew back (from orphanage) when their parents left them to fend for themselves. She had shown the same kindness to them as children and guided them to the correct path.

Now, mother and daughter stayed in her brother's home, father returned back to China (has own home there). She refused to give up on paying for the tuitions and piano lessons which cost her almost her salary. But girl, well... is still the same.

Girl is on counselling and once during a session. Counsellor asked her what is it that she wanted. Girl replied, "I just want my mummy and daddy back and we are a family again."

And this girl is an adopted child since she was an infant. The girl doesn't know yet and her mother didn't dare let her know cos since her daughter could tell her 'not to die' before she turns 21, mother doesn't know what will happen if girl knows that she is actually not even her mum.

Question:
What would you do if you were this mother?
Do you think it's her nephew and niece's fault?

winth
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Postby LKVM » Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:37 am

Very touching story winth...

What would you do if you were this mother? - Tell the truth and give her sometime
Do you think it's her nephew and niece's fault? No its really social pressure when one behaves like that... not fault

LKVM
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Postby winth » Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:46 am

I dunno what to do actually.

I would actually be on the side of the nephew and niece, bec I've been in direct contact with this girl. It's really not easy.

I really pity this mother cos she went through 2 divorces and childless and all she wanted was to have a baby. But now this...

But I'm starting to realise how a broken marriage can really create huge repercussions and influence a child's life negative. Previously, I've always taken it for granted.

winth
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Postby tankee » Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:02 pm

some kids from broken families misbehave not because they are bad but they know when they misbehave, they will get to see daddy and mommy together. More so, if they do not get to see one of the parents most of the time.

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Postby mintcc » Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:20 pm

Feel very hear pain for the mum..and really respect her for being such a kind hearted soul. Especially since the girl is adopted..

The girl is old enough to know be don shi. It seems her willfulness have been going on for sometime and conselling may help... not very sure how to change the patterns though....

Not too sure whether the girl have been like that since before the divorce?

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Postby jedamum » Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:33 pm

is it possible to get the dad to keep in touch with the girl? divorce does not mean no parental involvement.
may need the dad to talk some sense into the girl as some girls are really daddy's princess.

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Postby tankee » Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:48 pm

ultimately, both parents would have to convince their girl that

- the divorce is firm
- the divorce is between the mommy and daddy only
- both mommy and daddy will still be her mommy and daddy forever
- and that both still love her


however, things would be very complicated,
- if either parent (say the mommy in this case) has not accepted the divorce
- or if the child is actually being 'abandant' by one or both parents.

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Postby fussyMummy » Thu Feb 04, 2010 1:27 pm

tankee wrote:some kids from broken families misbehave not because they are bad but they know when they misbehave, they will get to see daddy and mommy together. More so, if they do not get to see one of the parents most of the time.



Well... I also dont know how to put it on... :?

My DD will get those things from her dad which cant get from me (such like PSP, h/p & etc) Her dad give everythings she want (maybe want to gain point? I also dont know :? ) Did talk to my ex regarding this matter but he just ignore. Everytime back from there, DD will get toys or books or $$$ which I am not allow her to buy...

I also somehow worry one day my daughter will run away from home, to seek 'LOVE' from outsider... esp nowadays can get "friends" so easily through msn/MIRC & blah blah blah... :(

Although divorced many years ago, I still blame myself for not giving my kids a proper family.....as I always believe that teenage problem mostly come from family... But I cant afford to quit my job :stupid: ,( I am the sole bread-winner of the family) stay at home to look after her ...

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Postby daisyt » Thu Feb 04, 2010 4:17 pm

At this stage when hatred, anger and rebellious are all in her mind, I feel the mum should not reveal her adopoted identity now. Since she is already having counselling session, the mum should give her dd some time. To send the daughter to a girl's home, can have negative effect and that is the last step one should take. Or maybe can send the girl to attend religious class, it can be buddhists or christian. As long as it will do the girl good, I don't think the mum would mind which religion it is. Right ?

Is it the neice or nephew's fault, its not important and not an issue now. The most important task is to get the girl's thinking right.

JMHO ....

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Postby kiddo » Fri Feb 05, 2010 5:32 pm

Don't tell the ger she is adopted in case she become disillusion, parents she grew up
and now divorced and then she was told she is adopted ,
too early to reveal this,
at least not now in this unstable situation.

Sometime ....TIME and PATIENCE is the best healer of many
things that is beyond us or put us in a delimna.... :pray:

Good job Winth ...you have stayed with her for a while, if possible
keep in touch with them at least there is some sanity on your side
that they can still believe in....may help a little

Nephew and niece have reach their tolerance limit, can't fault them,
it very stressed to deal with people fluctuating from
bad to worse then worse to bad never good or maybe
for a moment only....it like a time bomb.

Sad to hear of child being affected by broken family...hopefully :pray: :pray:
this will not become a vicious cycle because
the ger will re-enact into her own
family if she marry?? :pray:

kiddo
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