KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

I have a maid who is with me for 6 mths now. She is fairly ok with the house work and cooking. While I am a working single mother I am able to work from home often. I have noticed that she is a little sharp when she talks to the kids and they don't listen to her (aged 5). I have told her to bring any issue to my attention rather than shouting at the kids.

Yesterday when I returned from a shopping trip the kids told me that the maid had hit them on the face. I asked them what happened and they said that they were scared to be alone (not sure why they suddenly developed this fear) and had asked the maid not to go to the bathroom. When they started crying and kept preventing her from using the bathroom, she got angry and hit them.

When I asked the maid about the incident she said that she had tried multiple times to explain to the kids but they did not listen and did not allow her to use the toilet. She agreed that she eventually pushed them to use the loo but did not slap them.

I have no reason to disbelieve my kids as they have never lied to me before. They said this was the first time she hit them.

My maid claims that she was worked with other families with children and never hit any child.

Appreciate your advise and thoughts on this situation. If I keep the maid on it means that i don't believe my kids. I have lost trust and it would be difficult to rebuild it. However I don't have any concrete evidence against my maid. My kids still seem happy with her and don't seem scared. But if she has done this I don't want her to think she can get away with this or repeat it (in case I keep her on).

Would you advise that I send her back/ change the maid?

I would err on the side of caution and send her away. Are you willing to wait for her to hit your kids again for concrete evidence?

If you don't believe her, then it will be hard to trust her again. However, another possibility is that your kids' interpretation of 'hit' may be different, or they not used to some pushing and they called it 'slap'.

Also, having had to single-handedly manage 2 kids at home for the baby/toddler/preschool years, I can understand your helper's frustration if kids refuse a reasonable request and she has no means to deal with them other than trying to persuade them or threatening to tell you when you get home. Maybe you can give her the authority to impose some means of maintaining discipline and order when you are not around? It can be time out, demerit points etc, it doesn't have to be physical. You will also need to tell your kids that she has that authority over them in your absence. This is important in case of an emergency - imagine if she is trying to stop them doing something dangerous or trying to evacuate them from the house, and they refuse to comply.

Whatever the situation no matter how straineous, a maid is never allowed to touch the child.Kids are kids, they will tell you and later they may still laugh and play because maybe to them its not something serious.

Before anything more happens ,please get her out of your house. You should always be cautious in choosing a maid, sometimes, choosing a maid with elderly care also helps because the maids are more mature and more patient.

Please do not hang on to this maid, and wait till something happens before you decide what to do.. I will never never tolerate my maid touching my kids or even raising their voice at them.

Please do something. I know its not easy as you are a single mother but remember that you need to leave your kids with someone you can 100% trust .

chixchix wrote:...I will never never tolerate my maid touching my kids or even raising their voice at them.

I agree that having a maid you can trust is paramount, but how is she going to manage for hours on end if she cannot even raise her voice? Do you give her authority to impose some other form of discipline? I couldn't do it, and I'm the mother. Kids will pay the maid even less attention, surely.

slmkhoo wrote:

chixchix wrote:...I will never never tolerate my maid touching my kids or even raising their voice at them.

I agree that having a maid you can trust is paramount, but how is she going to manage for hours on end if she cannot even raise her voice? Do you give her authority to impose some other form of discipline? I couldn't do it, and I'm the mother. Kids will pay the maid even less attention, surely.

Raise voice may sometimes be necessary.
But maid should not ever hit the kids.
And don't tell the kids to ALWAYS obey the maid.
The kids must also feel free to tattle to you about the maid, no matter how minor the matter may be to us the adults.

Why don't you install a security camera? This will eliminate all the 'guesswork' and confirm / deny your suspicions.

On one hand, it's important to show your kids that you trust them and are looking out for them. On the other hand, the fact that the maid admitted to 'pushing' the children instead of flat out denying the entire incident makes me believe that it may be a misinterpretation on the kids' parts. From my experience with domestic workers (and stories from friends), such claims of maids hitting kids comes often. Not that these claims are untrue - but one should evaluate all possibilities before jumping to conclusions. Bank on your instinct - what kind of vibe does your maid give out? Based on her character, do you or do you not think physical abuse is a possibility?

All the best.

If you are willing to give a benefit of a doubt, quickly install some cameras as Beatrice_NoQ suggest. There is a thread on the cameras here. Cost less than $200 each.

Let the maid know there are cameras, she won't want to be caught on tape hitting your children.