KiasuParents - Parenting in Singapore

Finally I can create a new thread .

My DS is a high functioning ADS kid. He's doing fine academically. But he doesn't have friend at all. My heart sunk when he revealed to me one day that he had to play with P1 kids because nobody in his class wanted to play with him during the recess.

He wants to have friends, but the things he does in class often backfire and his classmates dislike him. I explained but he did not seem to understand. The way he see is his classmates are the problem because they don't behave in the way he expected them to behave .

Do you think engaging a psychologist/therapist once a week to work with him may help? They're professionals and know how to explain to the kid. Please let me know if you have any recommended psychologist/therapist.

Thanks all.

LaziDad wrote:Finally I can create a new thread .

My DS is a high functioning ADS kid. He's doing fine academically. But he doesn't have friend at all. My heart sunk when he revealed to me one day that he had to play with P1 kids because nobody in his class wanted to play with him during the recess.

He wants to have friends, but the things he does in class often backfire and his classmates dislike him. I explained but he did not seem to understand. The way he see is his classmates are the problem because they don't behave in the way he expected them to behave .

Do you think engaging a psychologist/therapist once a week to work with him may help? They're professionals and know how to explain to the kid. Please let me know if you have any recommended psychologist/therapist.

Thanks all.

You have to keep at it till you can convince him. After all these years, surely he can see that he is different from others? I have an ASD girl, and I am always having to explain other people to her, and she does learn from it. I don't know if there are therapies that can help.

There is an Autism thread:
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum ... lit=autism

Hi smlkhoo,

Thanks for the reply. The Autism thread is too long and I can't find psychologist contacts there.

I'll try your advice and explain to him again. How do you do that to your DD? you ask her everyday and explain to her or only when you know the incident?

Hi LaziDad,

Have you found out why his classmates don't like him? Which specific behaviour of your son they don't like?
Have you tried to get the school to help?
People like his form teacher or the school's psychologist should be able to pair him up with some kids of his age so that they can play together, work together and help each other.
Also, maybe you can organise some play dates and invite a few boys from his class to come to your house to play with your son, so that they get to know him better. Or organise birthday party for your son and invite his classmates. Or even form study groups where a few kids come for an afternoon to study together and eat together. To get better response from the parents, you may need to provide transport and food. It's like a free kids' drop-off service for the parents. You can also use the opportunity to observe your son's interactions with his classmates and do the necessary guidance. You may want to read up on Theory of Mind. It is what makes your son thinks there is no problem with his behaviour and it is his classmates that have problems.

LaziDad wrote:Hi smlkhoo,

Thanks for the reply. The Autism thread is too long and I can't find psychologist contacts there.

I'll try your advice and explain to him again. How do you do that to your DD? you ask her everyday and explain to her or only when you know the incident?

Here is a discussion on "educational psychologists". There have been some mentions, but generally people don't name them.
http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum ... chologists

In the course of talking about each day's experiences, when I hear something that indicates that she doesn't understand the interactions going on, I will explain what the other party thinks/feels. I've been doing it since she was in kindy, and still have to do it now that she is a teenager. Of course, she does learn along the way, but there are always new things that crop up. She now realises that she doesn't always understand, so she will sometimes come to me and ask as well. She doesn't have a lot of friends as she is by nature an introvert, so as long as there are a few classmates who talk to her and she can hang around with, she's happy.

Hi LaziDad,

My 18yo son was also like that, eager to have friends but classmates rejected him.

There is a book Helping the child who doesn't fit in by StepHen Nowicki which is not bad. I also try to build good character such as be generous, helpful, tactful etc, and correct whatever inappropriate behaviour.

At the same time, I also emphasize "better to journey alone than be badly accompanied"

Even in primary school, he has met some boys who pretended to be his friends and then asked him to do bad things. He has also done some inappropriate things to please friends. So I trained him to be emotionally independent - friends are nice to have, but no need to go all out to make friends. Family more important than friends.

Just my 2 cents.

Gifts from Heaven wrote:Hi LaziDad,

Have you found out why his classmates don't like him? Which specific behaviour of your son they don't like?
Have you tried to get the school to help?
People like his form teacher or the school's psychologist should be able to pair him up with some kids of his age so that they can play together, work together and help each other.
Also, maybe you can organise some play dates and invite a few boys from his class to come to your house to play with your son, so that they get to know him better. Or organise birthday party for your son and invite his classmates. Or even form study groups where a few kids come for an afternoon to study together and eat together. To get better response from the parents, you may need to provide transport and food. It's like a free kids' drop-off service for the parents. You can also use the opportunity to observe your son's interactions with his classmates and do the necessary guidance. You may want to read up on Theory of Mind. It is what makes your son thinks there is no problem with his behaviour and it is his classmates that have problems.

His form teacher told me that his classmates scare of him because he's unhygienic (eating his mucus etc ). I had him corrected though not 100% yet. The other things are he's always pushing his friend in order to be the first in the queue (any queue) or winner in games. If he can't win he will be upset and angry, sometimes violent.

Thanks for the tip of organizing party or study groups. I'll try and see how.

Have a great day!

Lavina wrote:Hi LaziDad,

My 18yo son was also like that, eager to have friends but classmates rejected him.

There is a book Helping the child who doesn't fit in by StepHen Nowicki which is not bad. I also try to build good character such as be generous, helpful, tactful etc, and correct whatever inappropriate behaviour.

At the same time, I also emphasize "better to journey alone than be badly accompanied"

Even in primary school, he has met some boys who pretended to be his friends and then asked him to do bad things. He has also done some inappropriate things to please friends. So I trained him to be emotionally independent - friends are nice to have, but no need to go all out to make friends. Family more important than friends.

Just my 2 cents.

Totally agree with you and many thanks for the book.

Hi Lazidad,

I don't have an autistic child but my friend who has one, showed me how they (parents and teachers) have to break such issues down for the child in order for them to understand. You really have to take them step by step through the thinking process from both sides with pauses in between. It is something that I feel a layperson with no experience will not know how to do - since we don't know what it is that they are not understanding!

It takes a while to get the hang of it. Maybe slmkhoo or one of the experienced mothers can give you a detailed description or you can get some professional help and sit in for a few sessions to observe it. But what I realise is that it is not what, but very much HOW you explain it to them, often with diagrammes and smiley or sad faces to provide extra visual cues.

All the best!

LaziDad - have you tried a technique called "social stories"? I found that it helped my daughter understand and learn behaviours better as it delivered the info visually (that's her best learning method). The important thing is to write in simple and direct words, and in the first person. You can read the with your son, and since he is already older, you can get him to re-read them frequently until he has learned those behaviours.

Here's a link:
http://vkc.mc.vanderbilt.edu/assets/fil ... estips.pdf