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What would you most like your child to gain from secondary school life?
In a recent <a href="https://www.facebook.com/familiesforlife.sg/videos/130084611947197" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">webinar</a> by Northland Secondary principal Tan Siew Woon, she shared that parents have commonly expressed a wish for their children to become more confident and independent while in secondary school. Perhaps some other desires might be for children to develop their career interests, build their communication and leadership skills, and get a good grounding in values that will guide their way in adulthood.
Note that these are all big-picture goals, as opposed to the narrower view that parents have been accustomed to in the primary school years. Parents will have to get used to the shift in perspective, where the focus is no longer about how to write a “model” composition, or how to use the right “keywords” when answering a science question. Further, familiar subjects will be covered in greater depth, and new subjects will be introduced. Parents who have previously overseen every aspect of their children’s school work will find it much more challenging to maintain the same level of involvement during the secondary school years.
As a result, for some parents, secondary school is the time to step back, wean their children off tuition, and let their children develop independent study skills. This would be the ideal situation because an excessive reliance on tutoring is unhealthy and financially unsustainable — these funds could go towards your child’s tertiary years instead.
So the big question remains: what is a parent’s role during a child’s secondary school years, and how can we best prepare our teens for this new journey? Below, we highlight four key areas that parents can oversee, to ensure that teens are well-equipped to make the most of their secondary school experience.
<h4>Don’t Take Extended Breaks</h4>
The school holidays are a time for rest, but sadly, long breaks can also undo all the work that teachers (and students) have put in during the school term.
US-based studies have<a href="https://www.brookings.edu/research/summer-learning-loss-what-is-it-and-what-can-we-do-about-it/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"> suggested</a> that students could lose up to a month’s worth of learning during the summer holidays, and that these losses were more pronounced for math than for reading, and more obvious at the higher grade levels.
The learning gap between students from higher- and lower-income families could also widen during vacations, as students from higher-income families are more likely to continue engaging in learning activities, compared to students from families with fewer resources.
That said, these studies are based on the US school year, where the summer break is about 10 to 11 weeks long. In comparison, students in local secondary schools have shorter vacation periods — the June holidays are only four weeks long, whereas the year-end vacation is about six weeks long.
Nevertheless, any extended break in learning can potentially lead to math learning loss, and this is due to the fact that kids will typically have<a href="https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/16/06/summer-math-loss" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"> less time</a> to engage in mathematical thinking during the school holidays.
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If your child is taking a second or third language in school, a break could also be detrimental to your child’s progress, especially if your family doesn’t speak the language at home. Anecdotally, it’s not uncommon to hear of language teachers bemoaning their students’ loss of vocabulary after a learning break of several weeks.
As a parent, what you can do is talk to your teen about how he or she would like to spend the school holidays. Does your teen want to pursue any interests, or spend time with friends? How much relaxation time is considered enough, and do you have rules about screen time? When it comes to school work, is your teen willing to set aside a few hours a week for tutoring or self-learning, e.g. online research that may help him or her to better understand the next year’s material? Structure is beneficial for most people, so your teen will have a more fulfilling holiday — and an easier time switching back to the routine of school — if there are plans in place.
<h4>Learn Through Questioning</h4>
If your child is to do without a tutor for any subject, he or she must learn to maximise the time spent in the classroom. Check with any teacher and you’ll probably find out that the better-performing students tend to ask more questions in class to clarify doubts, and they don’t wait till right before the exams to do this!
As for what sorts of questions to ask in the classroom — it’s not about asking “smart” questions, but asking questions to better understand what the teacher is saying. Even simple clarifying questions such as “Can you repeat what you just said?” or “What does that term mean?” are very helpful for making sense of new material.
If your teen has a basic understanding of what has been taught in class, you can then explore some questioning frameworks together. For instance, it’s useful to formulate questions while one is doing revision, in order to check one’s understanding, or to identify learning gaps and areas for further exploration that one can then consult a teacher for. (See a simple example of a questioning framework <a href="https://www.edutopia.org/article/teaching-students-how-ask-productive-questions" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">here</a>.)
To make asking questions a habit, create a culture of questioning at home or with your social networks. One way to do this is to bring up fresh topics of interest at the dinner table on a regular basis, and let your child see you asking different types of questions for better understanding, to make connections, to highlight inconsistencies or inaccuracies, and to introduce alternative viewpoints and ideas.
<h4>Seek Growth Opportunities Beyond The Classroom</h4>
Signing up for a CCA (co-curricular activity) is compulsory during the secondary school years. It would be a mistake to view this as a waste of time, or to let your teen opt for an “easy” or “relaxing” CCA just to fulfil minimum requirements.
On the other hand, some teens and parents feel that CCAs are pointless if one is not representing the school. Apart from <a href="https://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/article/cca-bonus-points-what-parents-need-to-know-about-leaps-2-0/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">CCA bonus points</a>, it’s true that much can be gained from being on a school team where you train intensively for competitions and deal with the pressure of having to perform and compete against others. It’s unfortunate that not every teen can be exposed to an activity at this level, but even picking up something for leisure has its benefits too. If your teen can have fun for two hours a week learning a new skill or sport, that is a valuable experience, as it helps your teen to feel a greater sense of joy and belonging within the school community.
If you truly feel that there are not enough growth opportunities for your teen within the school — i.e. he or she has not secured a class or school leadership position, and is only involved in a CCA at the recreational level — you may want to look beyond the school for activities that your teen can grow in. Ask your teen if there is something that he or she would like to learn, and look for an enrichment school or club that offers exposure opportunities through showcases, performances, or competitions. If your teen is particularly interested in world affairs, you can help him or her to link up with like-minded teens through events such as <a href="https://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/article/model-united-nations-a-secondary-1-student-shares-her-experience/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Model United Nations</a>. For teens with a nurturing heart, get them involved in volunteer work or peer tutoring, which offer rich learning experiences as well.
If your teen is interested, he or she can enrol in the<a href="http://www.nyaa.org/faqs.html" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"> National Youth Achievement Award (NYAA)</a> programme, which is helpful for securing CCA bonus points as well. This is a self-development programme available to young people in Singapore between the ages of 13 and 30. The programme’s activities (which your teen will take on in his or her own time) are designed to provide young people with a platform to develop personal qualities and skills to make a difference to themselves and the community at large. To find out more, your teen can either enquire with the school’s designated NYAA coordinator (if there is one), or get in touch with the NYAA Council directly.
<h4>Friends Matter</h4>
Friendships are pivotal in the teen years, and you will want to have open conversations with your teen, to make sure that he or she can tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
If your teen comes to you for advice on a friendship’s <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/201609/3-questions-ask-yourself-about-every-relationship" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">viability</a>, try this three-question test: 
<ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400">Do I feel lighter being with this person?</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400">Do I feel encouraged?</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400">Do I feel valued?</li>
</ol>
If your teen answers “yes” to all three questions, the friendship is likely a healthy one. “No” answers may indicate that the friendship is a strain on your teen’s emotional resources, and if it doesn’t improve, a decision may have to be made to cut the negative friend loose.
Typically, parents are also worried about negative peer influence, and they may hope to see their teens befriending others who are studious, obedient, and generally from similar backgrounds. However, this could actually be limiting for a teen. Having a diverse group of friends ensures that one is exposed to a variety of ideas and experiences — if we are assessing our teen’s friends, we should be looking at their hearts, and not at their abilities or backgrounds. 
Finally, don’t forget that friendship is a two-way street. Is your teen being a good friend to others? If your teen is having trouble making or retaining friends, you can use <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">this checklist</a> to kick off discussions with your teen about how to be a better friend.
Is your child unhappy over school allocation? Read a <a href="https://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/article/surviving-the-big-leap-from-primary-to-secondary-school/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">counsellor’s advice</a> for helping your child to accept his or her new secondary school.

You’re Not In Primary School Anymore: The Secret To Succeeding At Secondary School

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With the start of the school year, a new journey begins.
For many entering secondary school, it is a season of learning opportunities that they have been eagerly awaiting. However, if you and your children are anxious or unhappy over the secondary school that they have been posted to, this could be a stressful period for the entire family.
How can parents better support their children during this time? Read on for practical advice from Yvonne*, a local school counsellor.
<h2>Unhappiness Over School Allocation</h2>
It&rsquo;s not uncommon for students to experience trouble settling into a secondary school. A contributing factor could be disappointment over the PSLE results. In some cases, the secondary school was chosen by the parent and not the student, and there is lingering resentment as a result.
In addition, students could be facing adjustment issues stemming from being in a new environment, with new teachers and new classmates.
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Occasionally, parents may say to their children, &ldquo;Try this secondary school, and if you can&rsquo;t take it, I will transfer you to another school.&rdquo; But if the prospect of a transfer is dim, this could backfire.
The reality is that it will not be easy to transfer your child to a different secondary school, as this is subject to your child&rsquo;s academic performance, as well as the availability of places in the desired school. According to school counsellor Yvonne:
<blockquote>
<h4>&ldquo;I would advise parents not to mention changing schools at the initial stage. First, it gives [what may turn out to be] false hope to the child, and second, it doesn&rsquo;t help the child to be more adaptable and resilient. Instead, what would be helpful is to encourage your child to get to know the new environment.&rdquo;</h4>
</blockquote>
Yvonne cites a case where a student was having trouble adjusting to her secondary school.
&ldquo;The girl was an introvert, with a history of struggling with social interaction in primary school as well. When she started secondary school, she began complaining of physical stress symptoms such as stomach discomfort, and her mother had to pick her up whenever she felt unwell. Finally, her mother told her, &lsquo;Unless you&rsquo;re having a high fever, you will have to stay in the school&rsquo;s sick bay and return to class when you feel better.&rsquo;&rdquo;
With the mother&rsquo;s support, the school was better able to work with the student to help her through the transition.
<h2>Help Your Child To Make New Friends</h2>
What can you do if your child appears to be faltering in the initial weeks of secondary school?
First, you could tell your child, &ldquo;Make the effort to get to know your secondary school and your classmates, and we&rsquo;ll go out for a treat after school.&rdquo; Or, if your child has made a new friend, you could ask, &ldquo;Why don&rsquo;t we invite your new friend out for a meal together?&rdquo;
If your child is not inclined to make the first move, you can initiate contact with other parents and their children, as a means of building your child&rsquo;s network in his or her secondary school.
Should your child feel frustrated or demoralised, let him or her know that in life, one has to go through many transitions, and that these experiences help one to grow. Tell your own story, or a story that you know of, to encourage your child to persevere.
Throughout the first year of secondary school, check in frequently with your child, as well as your child&rsquo;s teachers. Observe your child closely to see if he or she is making progress in adjusting to the school, before you decide on your next steps.
<h2>From Single-sex To Co-ed School</h2>
If your child was previously studying in a single-sex primary school, but is now moving on to a co-ed secondary school, he or she may find it awkward to interact with the opposite sex on a daily basis.
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According to school counsellor Yvonne, differing expectations and communication styles may lead to misunderstandings:
<blockquote>
<h4>&ldquo;What I&rsquo;ve observed is that when girls come into co-ed environments from single-sex schools, they can be very articulate and outspoken, as they have been brought up in a culture that encourages them to speak up. I&rsquo;ve come across boys who are surprised that their female classmates are so vocal, and this can cause some classroom friction.&rdquo;</h4>
</blockquote>
Once the initial friction is resolved, students will typically settle in without further hiccups.
&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t see as much discomfort when it comes to boy-girl interactions in secondary school, as compared to when we were growing up,&rdquo; says Yvonne. &ldquo;I think the mixed-gender playdates that parents have organised since their kids were young have helped to bridge the gender divide.&rdquo;
There are also opportunities within curriculum time, such as project work and group work, to help students adapt.
Form teachers are usually aware if students are highly introverted, or extremely uncomfortable with the opposite sex. If these students do not find a way to cope on their own, they may be referred to a school counsellor for further assistance.
On a day-to-day basis, the biggest hurdle for such students is often recess, says Yvonne.
<blockquote>
<h4>&ldquo;Recess time can be a nightmare, as these students will tend to avoid any social setting that makes them uncomfortable. One solution is to have the students spend their recess or lunch hour with the counsellors. We will then work to integrate these students into the school.&rdquo;</h4>
</blockquote>
As a parent, you may be alarmed to learn that your child has been referred to the school counsellor. But do remain positive, and support the school&rsquo;s efforts to help your child.
&ldquo;Parents can rest assured that it is in a counsellor&rsquo;s interest to work with the parents, and to ensure that what we say is in line with the parents&rsquo; values,&rdquo; says Yvonne.
<h2>Talk To Your Children About Boundaries</h2>
Some parents may disapprove of their children&rsquo;s friendships with the opposite sex. For such parents, Yvonne&rsquo;s advice is to think about the concerns and boundaries that you would like to discuss with your child.
<blockquote>
<h4>&ldquo;For instance, should a male and a female student go out alone after school, or visit each other&rsquo;s homes? Is it acceptable if they have long phone conversations? How should one behave around a member of the opposite sex?&rdquo;</h4>
</blockquote>
At the same time, Yvonne adds that parents should have &ldquo;realistic&rdquo; expectations about cross-gender friendships, as their child is now in a mixed school.
To prepare a child for a co-ed environment, it helps if the parents themselves have healthy friendships with both sexes, as children learn best by example. You could also let your children play freely in community spaces, such as playgrounds, to observe how they interact with the opposite sex.
Take heart that children are generally open to new experiences, and they may adapt more quickly than you expect.
&ldquo;A school is more than a place of academic learning. It is also a supervised place for your child to build social skills for life,&rdquo; says Yvonne. &ldquo;As a parent, you play a big part in helping your child adapt to this new phase of life.&rdquo;
*Name has been changed for privacy reasons.
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